The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes.- Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959)

How many mixes have I made for someone else? Tonight one was given to me. For the past two days, I've been smiling... floating... happy.

Dating of Carrie Smith Memo:

In an effort to not waste my time or yours please note the following:

~Family is everything to me

~The drive to see me is worth it

~I am looking for no less than eternity

~I don't drink, so don't try to convince me to start

~Friends of both sexes are important to me and I want to spend time with them as well

~My belief is that a gentleman is a man who knows that he can move lines, but chooses not to

~I have things in my past that still hurt

~If you have an opinion, share it and then let go if I don't want to change mine

~Honesty IS the best policy.

Trust yourself. Think for yourself. Act for yourself. Speak for yourself. Be yourself. Imitation is suicide. -Marva Collins

Ed, I love you. You are such a good guy and an amazing friend. Part of me gets so excited of the thought of anything with you... and then there is the part that is completely freaked out. When I'm talking with you I play it down a lot. So here is the honest to goodness truth:

Me liking you was something I thought was buried and gone. Probably because it sucked so much when things didn't work out... that whole few months sucked... I got over you. I was okay; enjoying just being your friend. Then when you texted me and there was that tiny glimpse of "maybe" it was like tumbling down a hill covered in snow. It was an invigorating circle that you feel all over. . .then when you land at the bottom, the snow starts to seep into your socks and you start to shiver. . .

Corny analogy, but I'm shivering right now. How many times have we talked about your "perfect woman"? . . . and I can't even tell you how different that woman and I are. I'm 5'2, not athletic, I can be stubborn as hell and crumble into tears at the drop of a hat. You and I can fight. . .and hold grudges.

All that being said, I still love you. I still value as my confidant. I still want to kick your trash at air hockey. . . and I'm ready to be torn up inside. Be selfish myself.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. -Susan Jeffers

To Doll, Mo, and Gibby:

I freaked... and I am SO sorry. Maybe you having a three musketeers thing is how it should be... I just don't know that it is possible for me to fit back in with you...

To Ed:

Thank you.

Things I learned today:

- Never say that you're getting ahead of the game... it doesn't stay that way.
- I make one cute witch
- MD is officially hot
- It hurts more to be dismissed than forgotten
- Missing people doesn't go away...

Great things in my life right now:

- Awesome friends that have been around a while
- Being in the Manager Training program
- Moved out of my parents house
- Meeting new people
- Great roommates
- Hot guys in the ward
- Awesome training manager
- Awesome crew
- Increased pay
- College atmosphere


Life is good.

In the words of Helga "You know when someone is really ready to move on when you butt heads with them and their side makes sense."

ALLELUIA!

Tomorrow is a big day. I'm not entirely prepared for it though. Friday I talked to my District manager about becoming a MT (Manager in Training). He said that he would have no hesitation in hiring me as an MT, but all the positions in his district were full, but the North District Manager was looking for someone. I had a conversation with "NDM" and he sounded really excited about the prospect of having me as an MT, but there is a catch. The opening is about an hour away from my house and potentially more in traffic. NDM told me to give him a call on Monday (tomorrow) and that we could talk about it more.

All weekend I've been contemplating if this opportunity is worth it. I still don't have my answers, but I feel like whatever happens tomorrow is going to affect me in some big ways.

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? -Jean Kerr

Is it ever okay to look at a picture and think "oh, I am so cuter than her"? Or at least "he can do so much better than her"? ... Maybe not, but those were my thoughts when I saw the picture of a certain past boyfriend's current girlfriend. Granted, I've never met her and I'm sure she has a personality that sparkles, but this is my confession that I can be just that shallow.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough. -Frank Crane

Over that past few months I've come very accustomed to bottling my thoughts and feelings. For anybody who has known me for any length of time, they would find that hard to believe. However after Scott and other experiences, I have a great deal of mistrust in people; an unwillingness to let anything too deep within me out. I haven't held my tongue completely. An experience here or there to this friend or another, but no one person who I have felt that I could talk to without boundaries.

It's been a rotten couple of days, but after a phone conversation with Gibby, I realized I have shared more with him than I think with almost anyone else. No, he doesn't know everything, but he's gaining more keys to more doors than I thought I could give to any single person and has found his way through some that I thought were sealed tight.

Trust... maybe it IS possible to have again.

The will to be stupid is a very powerful force, but there are always alternatives. -Laura McCaster Bujold

That moment... That moment you second guess yourself before sending out a text or email or whatever it may be... That moment STOP. Don't think with your emotions. Don't speak from insecurity. Don't forget that you have control...

We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

My answers came and they were surprising good. :) Gibby and I decided to date exclusively and I am all for seeing if something could really work out. Doing the new relationship stuff has been fun. I love how nice it is to just know that there is a mutual understanding. Along with that there is fear.

Fear is only useful when it is accompanied my the adrenaline to get yourself out of a harmful situation... but fear could essentially create a harmful situation in this relationship. Maybe a little of that is normal, but I'm worrying about the dumbest things. ...are we seeing each other too much... should we she each other more... when is PDA okay...am I good kisser what is the best way to make him comfortable around my huge family... how do I help my very protective family comfortable around him... how do I help his family and friends accept me... are there habits I have that drive him crazy...

I take it back. All of those things are pretty damn important.

The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously. -Nicholas Butler (1862-1947)

I consider myself to be very analytical. Not maybe in the numbers and straight lines sense of the word, but in that I do not let the details in a conversation go unnoticed. There is constantly this "what does it really mean" thing going on.

I've had this text for two days now that I'm trying my darndest to figure out and I'm really sucking at it. Maybe it's not something I should be thinking about so much. Beyond the fact that there are to very polarized ways it could go and I don't know how to deal with either, it just isn't necessary. It should all be resolved within the next day or so.

Answers can't come soon enough though.

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. -Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

This morning I woke up and my fish was dead. No lie. It wasn't dead in the traditional floating at the top sense, but that he had managed to get himself stuck inside his castle bridge and was dead. . . So I have to say my friends were great in telling me that they were sorry about a fish dying that most of them hadn't seen and the rest probably didn't care about. . . But still, it was a day that I needed a guy to just wrap his arms around me and let me cry or not cry. Someone to be there.

I don't have that someone and I think that is the hardest part of it all.

Rest in peace Putter Face Gunner

Life engenders life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich. -Sarah Berndhart (1844-1923)

I cannot believe that I am doing this again... I have set myself up for a hearbreak that is going to be no less painful than so many I have had before. It is almost promised that the fall will happen, but I have this shred of hope... Therefore I am going to be the illogical and very emotion-driven woman that I am and hold on...

In summer, the song sings itself. -William Carlos Williams (1883-1963)

To say the least, I've had my struggles lately. Some I have made for myself and some I have just come along. I realized that a lot of it was because I didn't feel like I was of value to the people around me. I wasn't helping anyone and that sucks. This afternoon at work I slowed down enough to talk with Stacey and see how she was doing. We covered the basic stuff and chit chat and then I stopped and asked the question of questions, "How are you feeling about everything."

My sweet Stacey's eyes welled up with tears. I wrapped my arms around her and we went into the backroom. Helga probably didn't know what the heck was going on, but in that moment she was wise enough to stay away. She didn't go into details and I didn't ask her to since I didn't want to start her crying again. We are going out for frozen custard tomorrow night where we can talk without concerns of ears overhearing. I am so looking forward to being the one to listen... I like being that person.

"Anne" and I had plans to go fragrence shopping and her cousin "Sunny" came as well. It was fantastic.... From one yummy smelling bottle to coffee beans to another yummy smelling bottle. It took my a while and a lot of sniffing, but I came to my decision and Ralph Rocks it is. YUMMY! Olive Garden... yummy as well and even better when you're talking and laughing from salad to take-home boxes.

On the way home there was this amazing few seconds that I had a view of the Jordan River Temple and fireworks in the background from the fair. It went right along with the Sparta song that I had playing and as soon as the temple was out of my sight, raindrops started to hit my windshield. The smell and sound of rain with this overall content feeling was just.... perfect.

A day of tender mercies.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. -Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

So it's been a few days since I've seen Gibby due to changing situations and it is under my skin more than I'd like to admit... I mean here is this amazing man who I love being around and get along with great, but things have been strictly friendship; going on dates but not dating; nothing more than a good night hug. There is no commitment... but not being able to go out and talk face to face about all the big stuff and the little stuff has been really difficult.

I'm not sure how to feel about it... I've purposely been very guarded about everything because I don't want to get hurt or put undue pressure on him. Still, I manage to feel like I'm completely myself around him that somehow there is a connection. What that connection is, I'm not sure. Maybe he's in my life to support me while I'm in the eye of the tornado? Maybe there is a maybe something more of a relationship to come? Maybe somehow I'll manage to help him somehow? Maybe he's the example to look to for a future someone? Obviously I have my preferences on which reason I would like it to be, but I really think I can be okay with whichever one it turns out to be... I just hope he's able to stay in my life for a while in any capacity.

Dwell not upon thy weariness, thy strength shall be according to the measure of thy desire. -Arab Proverb

Is it possible to feel lost but have a direction at the same time? I feel like I have stepped into a new world; one that I'm not familiar with and one that I don't know how to navigate, however the fact is that I'm on a path with a destination means something, right?

My disorientation mostly comes from not knowing if any of my old path follows or overlaps this new one. There are some sections that I really want to stay the same... but I'm committed to going forward if they don't... I need strength to follow that through... I cannot waver and my destination cannot change.

Health is not valued till sickness comes. -Dr. Thomas Fuller (1654-1734)

My hat is off to codine. What a spledid drug. After over a week of dizziness, sinus drainage, and coughing I was diagnosed with bronchitis. My doctor prescribed me Amoxicillin in a dosage that looks like a horse pill for the actual infection, but she also had mercy on me and prescribed codine as a cough suppressant. Sigh... oh how I missed sleep.

As a side note, I had thought that my restlessness was the cause of my odd, but interestingly pleasant dreams. Apparently they are rooted somewhere in my heart because they didn't go away.

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear. --Dick Cavett (1936- )

I am a slacker. I know this. Therefore I am going to state how things are and how I feel about them.

Work: Nothing has really changed and I am going crazy. I keep getting closer and closer to this breaking point with Helga, but it is scary. If I leave I lose all my benefits. For the first time in my life I would be completely unprepared financially if anything were too happen.

Ed: Won't really talk to me unless he's telling me how much he's hurting. How much I hurt him. . . It sucks. I care about him so much and I can't do anything to stop it. . . Just hope that he can move past it.

Justin: Still some weird verson of friends. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. . .

Gibby: Really like the guy, but nothing is happening. Managing to play it chill somehow.

Scott: Yeah you haven't heard about him in a while. Had my first encounter since just after we broke up and it shook me up a bit. Also had a conversation over IM that resembled flirting... Don't know that status of he and his gf. Trying really hard to not care, but definitely caring.

Church: Back at the beginning

Marie and Fawn: Both amazing

Family: Love them.


Yeah.... We'll see how it goes.