Life engenders life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich. -Sarah Berndhart (1844-1923)

I cannot believe that I am doing this again... I have set myself up for a hearbreak that is going to be no less painful than so many I have had before. It is almost promised that the fall will happen, but I have this shred of hope... Therefore I am going to be the illogical and very emotion-driven woman that I am and hold on...

In summer, the song sings itself. -William Carlos Williams (1883-1963)

To say the least, I've had my struggles lately. Some I have made for myself and some I have just come along. I realized that a lot of it was because I didn't feel like I was of value to the people around me. I wasn't helping anyone and that sucks. This afternoon at work I slowed down enough to talk with Stacey and see how she was doing. We covered the basic stuff and chit chat and then I stopped and asked the question of questions, "How are you feeling about everything."

My sweet Stacey's eyes welled up with tears. I wrapped my arms around her and we went into the backroom. Helga probably didn't know what the heck was going on, but in that moment she was wise enough to stay away. She didn't go into details and I didn't ask her to since I didn't want to start her crying again. We are going out for frozen custard tomorrow night where we can talk without concerns of ears overhearing. I am so looking forward to being the one to listen... I like being that person.

"Anne" and I had plans to go fragrence shopping and her cousin "Sunny" came as well. It was fantastic.... From one yummy smelling bottle to coffee beans to another yummy smelling bottle. It took my a while and a lot of sniffing, but I came to my decision and Ralph Rocks it is. YUMMY! Olive Garden... yummy as well and even better when you're talking and laughing from salad to take-home boxes.

On the way home there was this amazing few seconds that I had a view of the Jordan River Temple and fireworks in the background from the fair. It went right along with the Sparta song that I had playing and as soon as the temple was out of my sight, raindrops started to hit my windshield. The smell and sound of rain with this overall content feeling was just.... perfect.

A day of tender mercies.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. -Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

So it's been a few days since I've seen Gibby due to changing situations and it is under my skin more than I'd like to admit... I mean here is this amazing man who I love being around and get along with great, but things have been strictly friendship; going on dates but not dating; nothing more than a good night hug. There is no commitment... but not being able to go out and talk face to face about all the big stuff and the little stuff has been really difficult.

I'm not sure how to feel about it... I've purposely been very guarded about everything because I don't want to get hurt or put undue pressure on him. Still, I manage to feel like I'm completely myself around him that somehow there is a connection. What that connection is, I'm not sure. Maybe he's in my life to support me while I'm in the eye of the tornado? Maybe there is a maybe something more of a relationship to come? Maybe somehow I'll manage to help him somehow? Maybe he's the example to look to for a future someone? Obviously I have my preferences on which reason I would like it to be, but I really think I can be okay with whichever one it turns out to be... I just hope he's able to stay in my life for a while in any capacity.

Dwell not upon thy weariness, thy strength shall be according to the measure of thy desire. -Arab Proverb

Is it possible to feel lost but have a direction at the same time? I feel like I have stepped into a new world; one that I'm not familiar with and one that I don't know how to navigate, however the fact is that I'm on a path with a destination means something, right?

My disorientation mostly comes from not knowing if any of my old path follows or overlaps this new one. There are some sections that I really want to stay the same... but I'm committed to going forward if they don't... I need strength to follow that through... I cannot waver and my destination cannot change.

Health is not valued till sickness comes. -Dr. Thomas Fuller (1654-1734)

My hat is off to codine. What a spledid drug. After over a week of dizziness, sinus drainage, and coughing I was diagnosed with bronchitis. My doctor prescribed me Amoxicillin in a dosage that looks like a horse pill for the actual infection, but she also had mercy on me and prescribed codine as a cough suppressant. Sigh... oh how I missed sleep.

As a side note, I had thought that my restlessness was the cause of my odd, but interestingly pleasant dreams. Apparently they are rooted somewhere in my heart because they didn't go away.