If an idea's worth having once, it's worth having twice. Tom Stoppard (1937-)

About the above statement. . . .Does that apply to boyfriends? "Justin" came over tonight and we watched "School of Rock". Classic Jack Black and one of my personal favorites. Being around Justin is just kicking back and enjoying life. I really value the time I spend with him. Tonight's cinimatic endeavor began with the traditional tickling, then cuddling, a peck on a cheek, and then a kiss. It was definitely a good kiss. There is not any doubt in that. The confusion lies in that he is the one boyfriend I have been able to maintain a healthy relationship with post break-up.

Justin is an awesome guy. Quirky and unlike anyone else, and I love that. He's successful in what he's doing, but he's doing a lot. He works full time as a manager, he is a full time student, always has friends he's hanging out with, and has a very involved family. Is there really any time left in there for me? It's a bit more complicated than that, me evauluating what I need and what I want, but I don't know that I can really get all that out.

I don't regret the kissing, but I'm looking at our seperate lives and wondering if I could work. . . . and then I have to wondering if I'm wondering about nothing. I was not expecting this.

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them. Isaac Asimove (1920-1992)

Yesterday I found out something I did not necessarily want to know, but now I find that by knowing, I have more power than before. . . . However, I still does not seem to live up to all the value it should hold. It is information I was not meant to be clued in on. Although I feel like I have given the person this is about ample opportunities to tell me, the person refuses to take advantage of them. It is so frustrating. I want the words to come out of the person's mouth. Happiness, growth, pain, and acceptance are all a part of life. Don't be scared if any of those emotions may come to pass by telling me. You cannot tell me what is or is not good for me. Don't deprive me of an experience that is rightly mine.

The true meaning of religion is thus not simply morality, but morality touched by emotion. -Matthew Arnold (1822-1888)

As I stepped inside the church today and heard the last strains of the opening hymn start to fade, I realized how at home I felt. It is a realization I have had before and that has held true through the various stages of my life. I have not always been consistant as a church goer. There have been times I have outrightly gone against what I have been taught growing up. There have been times that I was so sure of what I knew that I could tell when other people heard it they knew that it was what I believe without me saying anything pertaining to religion. There have been times I have been hurt or alienated by those same people sitting in the pews all around me. All in all, I still feel home.

While I certainly do not give myself the credit of being able to tell anyone else how to find their heart and their "home", I have found that the comfort and warmth that I find in attending church services is that they are truly personal to me. I do not go for my mother or father. I do not go so other people can see me there or to keep up appearances. I go because it is what I want to do. It strengthens my relationship with God, my Heavenly Father. I am a daughter of a King, with a Saviour that knows me personally and whom I can rely on. No matter where I find myself or whatever decisions I make, that always stays true.

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. -Robert Frost (1874-1963)

This week started out promising with me in a dress suit shaking hands in a very professional manner as my interview began. I enjoy the postion I have now as an assistant manager in one of the stores, but I am to a point where I would really like more responsibility. That willingness to change led me to applying for a postition in the merchandising department and the interview I talked about above. I felt confident in the answers I gave in the hour interview and that confidence carried me through the day. I even did something I had never dared to do before...eat by myself in a sit down resteraunt. Needless to say, I was pretty proud of myself. It's been a few days now, and I haven't heard back about the position. Though I have no reassurances about what will happen, it will work itself out.

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.- Dag Hammarskjold (1905-1961)

What better reason to write a blog than a break-up. "Scott" and I dated for about seven months (excluding about a month break somewhere in there). I believe that all break-ups are frustrating and heart-wounding in some way. In this case I am still in love with him, but he is not sure of himself to be sure of us. Therefore he could not treat me like I, or anyone else in a relationship, should be treated. That makes me wonder am I really in love with him or just all the little parts of him that are wonderful? No, I actually do love him and the amazing person he is....

I know that this relationship ending is positive in many ways, but in my loneliness those positive attributes don't mean much. They don't wrap strong arms around me while watching a movie or tickle my side when I get too comfortable. They don't text me to see how my day is going or sing along with Depeche Mode when I'm driving. They don't wink at me or tell me that something I said was "cute" when I wasn't trying to be. They just don't provide those things that I value above most others.

That being said, I am doing okay.