In the words of Helga "You know when someone is really ready to move on when you butt heads with them and their side makes sense."

ALLELUIA!

Tomorrow is a big day. I'm not entirely prepared for it though. Friday I talked to my District manager about becoming a MT (Manager in Training). He said that he would have no hesitation in hiring me as an MT, but all the positions in his district were full, but the North District Manager was looking for someone. I had a conversation with "NDM" and he sounded really excited about the prospect of having me as an MT, but there is a catch. The opening is about an hour away from my house and potentially more in traffic. NDM told me to give him a call on Monday (tomorrow) and that we could talk about it more.

All weekend I've been contemplating if this opportunity is worth it. I still don't have my answers, but I feel like whatever happens tomorrow is going to affect me in some big ways.

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? -Jean Kerr

Is it ever okay to look at a picture and think "oh, I am so cuter than her"? Or at least "he can do so much better than her"? ... Maybe not, but those were my thoughts when I saw the picture of a certain past boyfriend's current girlfriend. Granted, I've never met her and I'm sure she has a personality that sparkles, but this is my confession that I can be just that shallow.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough. -Frank Crane

Over that past few months I've come very accustomed to bottling my thoughts and feelings. For anybody who has known me for any length of time, they would find that hard to believe. However after Scott and other experiences, I have a great deal of mistrust in people; an unwillingness to let anything too deep within me out. I haven't held my tongue completely. An experience here or there to this friend or another, but no one person who I have felt that I could talk to without boundaries.

It's been a rotten couple of days, but after a phone conversation with Gibby, I realized I have shared more with him than I think with almost anyone else. No, he doesn't know everything, but he's gaining more keys to more doors than I thought I could give to any single person and has found his way through some that I thought were sealed tight.

Trust... maybe it IS possible to have again.

The will to be stupid is a very powerful force, but there are always alternatives. -Laura McCaster Bujold

That moment... That moment you second guess yourself before sending out a text or email or whatever it may be... That moment STOP. Don't think with your emotions. Don't speak from insecurity. Don't forget that you have control...

We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

My answers came and they were surprising good. :) Gibby and I decided to date exclusively and I am all for seeing if something could really work out. Doing the new relationship stuff has been fun. I love how nice it is to just know that there is a mutual understanding. Along with that there is fear.

Fear is only useful when it is accompanied my the adrenaline to get yourself out of a harmful situation... but fear could essentially create a harmful situation in this relationship. Maybe a little of that is normal, but I'm worrying about the dumbest things. ...are we seeing each other too much... should we she each other more... when is PDA okay...am I good kisser what is the best way to make him comfortable around my huge family... how do I help my very protective family comfortable around him... how do I help his family and friends accept me... are there habits I have that drive him crazy...

I take it back. All of those things are pretty damn important.

The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously. -Nicholas Butler (1862-1947)

I consider myself to be very analytical. Not maybe in the numbers and straight lines sense of the word, but in that I do not let the details in a conversation go unnoticed. There is constantly this "what does it really mean" thing going on.

I've had this text for two days now that I'm trying my darndest to figure out and I'm really sucking at it. Maybe it's not something I should be thinking about so much. Beyond the fact that there are to very polarized ways it could go and I don't know how to deal with either, it just isn't necessary. It should all be resolved within the next day or so.

Answers can't come soon enough though.

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. -Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

This morning I woke up and my fish was dead. No lie. It wasn't dead in the traditional floating at the top sense, but that he had managed to get himself stuck inside his castle bridge and was dead. . . So I have to say my friends were great in telling me that they were sorry about a fish dying that most of them hadn't seen and the rest probably didn't care about. . . But still, it was a day that I needed a guy to just wrap his arms around me and let me cry or not cry. Someone to be there.

I don't have that someone and I think that is the hardest part of it all.

Rest in peace Putter Face Gunner