Everybody likes to go their own way--to choose their own time and manner of devotion. -Jane Austen (1775-1817)

I started, but didn't have time to finish a post on Tuesday to talk about how interesting it was to have a religious debate with someone of my same religion. Two nights later I found how interesting it was to explain my religious reasoning and beliefs to someone who was not.

I do not mind talking about being LDS. In my opinion, if you are scared to talk about something you believe in, you may want to reevaluate and see if you really believe what you say you do. That being said I was terrified of not talking about it, but about being inadequate in explaining why beliefs are as they are and how I feel about them. It is kind of a line upon line thing. There are doctrines that build from other doctrines and things that intertwine with each other.

In my head, I have this little map set of how things work. I have had my years in primary and Sunday School to figure it out and it just works, but trying to voice that in a cohesive manner to someone else was a little like trying to explain the process a diamond being made and having it come out as if it were just a lump of coal.

So "Adam", although I did not expect our conversation, I thank you. I hope you found something in it and that my beliefs have not put a wedge in our friendship.

Without music, life would be a mistake. -Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

As I was jogging around the track tonight, and around again, and again, I realized a desperate desire for music to break the monotany. I enjoy my runs and how I feel after, but goodness sake! How about a little Thrice or Armor for Sleep? I bet I could even put "Eye of the Tiger" on for a few laps and be darn perky. Yes, it is true. I have not stepped into the modern day and purchased an MP3 player. Now that I have established a rationalized "need" for one though, I have no idea what to get.



There is always the ipod, but for some reason they just put me off. Maybe it was the trendiness of them or that they seem to be outrageously priced. Justin has a Zune and loves it. They seem nice, but this is kind of a lot of money to drop on something. Then there are always the obscur brands, but can I trust that?



Sigh. . .

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.-Maya Angelou (1928- )

Last night I remembered something that I think I may have forgotten. Jay is human.

That night and the weeks after, all I could do was defend him as a person. It was not possible in my mind that he could understand what had happened. Then after more time, I focused in on what did happen and the fear and anxiety that came with it. I became angry with what I have to deal with on a daily basis. I was calloused to any good memory.

I will not excuse what he did, but in a quiet moment I remembered that he has pain too.

What does it mean to have beautiful eyes?

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Oh the beauty of days off. Although it would appear to be a day to do nothing, I have found it is important to make something of it to negate the potential laciviousness that could ensue otherwise. Please do not mistake that as a call to be on the go all the time. Today I made sure to sleep in and have no pressing errands that couldn't wait until the afternoon.

I went to the rec center and ran. It is sad how long it has been since I took the time to go, but it felt amazing to feel the hot blood in my cheeks and my muscles contract and release as I picked up and set down my feet. I have no claim to speed or endurance, but that doesn't change the freedom I feel. Maybe it is a little ironic that I find freedom in running in circles.

Lunch with mom was nice. A lot of it was avoiding talking about the different guys in my life. She has the best of intentions and is trying so hard to relate to what is going on with me, but the truth is I have a hard enough time finding a different focus in my mind than men that I wish she wouldn't bring all of that to the forefront when we are together.

A quick stop at Barnes and Noble to meet up with Ed. Two more books purchased to add to my mountain to read.

A cat nap and a night out with "Fawn" was perfect. It is awesome having a friend who understands all of the goofy girl stuff; who knows how to laugh in a chick flick and most-importantly, that ice cream is the only dessert that will fill the cracks after a good meal.

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. -Titus Maccius Plautus

What do you get when you mix a had-a-bad-day-at work, unattractive-feeling, de-spiritualized Carrie with a night on the town? Answer: a poor situation for Ed to walk into.

This guy is tough though. He not only made it through dinner, CD/DVD shopping, and a movie, he somehow managed to make my night a really good one. Yes, I couldn't make a decision to save my life. Yes, I gave him hell when he was checking out girls (which he could totally could have snagged from numbers from). Yes, I bit his head off when he brought up CPR, but I guess that's why he's the Jolly Green Giant. He took it all in stride. Shoot. If he wasn't Ed, I just might fall for him. Alas, he is Ed and I couldn't fit him anywhere in my heart but where he is.

Someday. . .maybe someone like him. . . . That is if I ever have the patience to make it to someday.

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.-Margaret Mead (1901-1978)

I like a guy, my family likes the guy, my friends like the guy. His family likes me, his friends like me. . . So what's missing? Oh yeah, the whole him liking me part. It is generally a sign I am not a high priority to him when I ask when we can have some us time and he says May. It sucks more than I can say. I took that once. . . never again.

On a positive note, I have fulfilled one of my goals for this year: I now know how to play pool (thanks Ed).

April 2006

broken dolls--
torn dresses--
laying on the floor
tears-- salt water
making paths down--
this cheek
this cheek you left-- your stain
this cheek scrubbed-- raw
trying to feel-- cleansed
trying to remove-- this hurt
--making it hurt
hoping if there is a wound-- visible
to someone outside--
someone to understand--
understand I am not-- okay
understand why-- you did this
someone to make me-- understand
why I am laying on this floor among
broken dolls--
torn dresses--
tears-- salt water
making paths down--
this cheek

Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.

-Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-1864)

Life happens in the quiet moments. A lot of things have been going on lately. New experiences and n ew emotions. Old experiences and old emotions.

The quiet moments. I ache for the quiet moments. The quiet moment to have conversation with God. The quiet moment to fall in love. The quiet moment to feel at peace with myself.

I haven't had any of those recently either from neglect, fear, or no real opportunity. How can I make something real?

Strange dreams are a safety valve... - Orson Scott Card (1951- )*

I cannot say what Card meant in the above statement, but I recognize its truth. Dreams often are my escape from the terrors of life and often the terrors of possibility that bring me from sleep. Most recently my dreams have returned to nightmares. They are memories that are with me forever, but are recalled in my sleep without invitation. I stopped telling my parents about the nightmares almost as soon as they started and only confided in Scott and a couple times in Ed. . . Scott and I don't talk anymore, and I feel like if I relapse to Ed I will disappoint him.

The anniversary of that day is only a week away and I pray that somehow these dreams are going to make that easier; that they are my safety valve. There must be something brighter than where they take me.

*Ender's Game. New York: Tom Doherty Associates, LLC, 1985

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -Steven Wright (1955- )

It was a long day at work and I am starting to wonder if there is ever anything but a long day at work. Just the same it was easier to get through since I knew I was hanging out with Justin tonight. We went to Melee's house and played poker with a bunch of people.

I don't know if it comes across in the posts, but I am a serious card shark. . . Rrright. Tonight was my first poker game where I was acutally betting. It was Texas Hold 'Em and my late night Spike TV watching came in handy. There was a lot of goofing off and a lot of crass humor since I was the only girl for the majority of the time, but it seems like I held my own. I came in second (if you can take places in poker). Yay! I cannot say that a good portion of things was due to the fact that people were getting tired and going "all in" on really lame cards, but I guess that's kind of part of the game. If it is or isn't, I won't complain.

Politics is applesauce. -Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Doug Wright seems like a good enough guy. He stands up for what he believes. He seems to be well-researched in his opinions. He has a popular following. So what do I have against him?

The fact that he did a live remote broadcast from my store Friday (yesterday).

Ugh. Just ugh. I cannot really fight corporate for arranging this lovely publicity stunt because the store was packed and the sales figures are all that they really care about. Someone so vocally political, someone so holier-than-thou, someone who tries so hard though. . . There is a reason I do not listen to talk radio and I do not a appreciate it being thrust upon me in a way that I cannot avoid it.