The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes.- Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959)

How many mixes have I made for someone else? Tonight one was given to me. For the past two days, I've been smiling... floating... happy.

Dating of Carrie Smith Memo:

In an effort to not waste my time or yours please note the following:

~Family is everything to me

~The drive to see me is worth it

~I am looking for no less than eternity

~I don't drink, so don't try to convince me to start

~Friends of both sexes are important to me and I want to spend time with them as well

~My belief is that a gentleman is a man who knows that he can move lines, but chooses not to

~I have things in my past that still hurt

~If you have an opinion, share it and then let go if I don't want to change mine

~Honesty IS the best policy.

Trust yourself. Think for yourself. Act for yourself. Speak for yourself. Be yourself. Imitation is suicide. -Marva Collins

Ed, I love you. You are such a good guy and an amazing friend. Part of me gets so excited of the thought of anything with you... and then there is the part that is completely freaked out. When I'm talking with you I play it down a lot. So here is the honest to goodness truth:

Me liking you was something I thought was buried and gone. Probably because it sucked so much when things didn't work out... that whole few months sucked... I got over you. I was okay; enjoying just being your friend. Then when you texted me and there was that tiny glimpse of "maybe" it was like tumbling down a hill covered in snow. It was an invigorating circle that you feel all over. . .then when you land at the bottom, the snow starts to seep into your socks and you start to shiver. . .

Corny analogy, but I'm shivering right now. How many times have we talked about your "perfect woman"? . . . and I can't even tell you how different that woman and I are. I'm 5'2, not athletic, I can be stubborn as hell and crumble into tears at the drop of a hat. You and I can fight. . .and hold grudges.

All that being said, I still love you. I still value as my confidant. I still want to kick your trash at air hockey. . . and I'm ready to be torn up inside. Be selfish myself.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. -Susan Jeffers

To Doll, Mo, and Gibby:

I freaked... and I am SO sorry. Maybe you having a three musketeers thing is how it should be... I just don't know that it is possible for me to fit back in with you...

To Ed:

Thank you.

Things I learned today:

- Never say that you're getting ahead of the game... it doesn't stay that way.
- I make one cute witch
- MD is officially hot
- It hurts more to be dismissed than forgotten
- Missing people doesn't go away...

Great things in my life right now:

- Awesome friends that have been around a while
- Being in the Manager Training program
- Moved out of my parents house
- Meeting new people
- Great roommates
- Hot guys in the ward
- Awesome training manager
- Awesome crew
- Increased pay
- College atmosphere


Life is good.

In the words of Helga "You know when someone is really ready to move on when you butt heads with them and their side makes sense."

ALLELUIA!

Tomorrow is a big day. I'm not entirely prepared for it though. Friday I talked to my District manager about becoming a MT (Manager in Training). He said that he would have no hesitation in hiring me as an MT, but all the positions in his district were full, but the North District Manager was looking for someone. I had a conversation with "NDM" and he sounded really excited about the prospect of having me as an MT, but there is a catch. The opening is about an hour away from my house and potentially more in traffic. NDM told me to give him a call on Monday (tomorrow) and that we could talk about it more.

All weekend I've been contemplating if this opportunity is worth it. I still don't have my answers, but I feel like whatever happens tomorrow is going to affect me in some big ways.

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? -Jean Kerr

Is it ever okay to look at a picture and think "oh, I am so cuter than her"? Or at least "he can do so much better than her"? ... Maybe not, but those were my thoughts when I saw the picture of a certain past boyfriend's current girlfriend. Granted, I've never met her and I'm sure she has a personality that sparkles, but this is my confession that I can be just that shallow.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough. -Frank Crane

Over that past few months I've come very accustomed to bottling my thoughts and feelings. For anybody who has known me for any length of time, they would find that hard to believe. However after Scott and other experiences, I have a great deal of mistrust in people; an unwillingness to let anything too deep within me out. I haven't held my tongue completely. An experience here or there to this friend or another, but no one person who I have felt that I could talk to without boundaries.

It's been a rotten couple of days, but after a phone conversation with Gibby, I realized I have shared more with him than I think with almost anyone else. No, he doesn't know everything, but he's gaining more keys to more doors than I thought I could give to any single person and has found his way through some that I thought were sealed tight.

Trust... maybe it IS possible to have again.

The will to be stupid is a very powerful force, but there are always alternatives. -Laura McCaster Bujold

That moment... That moment you second guess yourself before sending out a text or email or whatever it may be... That moment STOP. Don't think with your emotions. Don't speak from insecurity. Don't forget that you have control...

We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

My answers came and they were surprising good. :) Gibby and I decided to date exclusively and I am all for seeing if something could really work out. Doing the new relationship stuff has been fun. I love how nice it is to just know that there is a mutual understanding. Along with that there is fear.

Fear is only useful when it is accompanied my the adrenaline to get yourself out of a harmful situation... but fear could essentially create a harmful situation in this relationship. Maybe a little of that is normal, but I'm worrying about the dumbest things. ...are we seeing each other too much... should we she each other more... when is PDA okay...am I good kisser what is the best way to make him comfortable around my huge family... how do I help my very protective family comfortable around him... how do I help his family and friends accept me... are there habits I have that drive him crazy...

I take it back. All of those things are pretty damn important.

The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously. -Nicholas Butler (1862-1947)

I consider myself to be very analytical. Not maybe in the numbers and straight lines sense of the word, but in that I do not let the details in a conversation go unnoticed. There is constantly this "what does it really mean" thing going on.

I've had this text for two days now that I'm trying my darndest to figure out and I'm really sucking at it. Maybe it's not something I should be thinking about so much. Beyond the fact that there are to very polarized ways it could go and I don't know how to deal with either, it just isn't necessary. It should all be resolved within the next day or so.

Answers can't come soon enough though.

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. -Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

This morning I woke up and my fish was dead. No lie. It wasn't dead in the traditional floating at the top sense, but that he had managed to get himself stuck inside his castle bridge and was dead. . . So I have to say my friends were great in telling me that they were sorry about a fish dying that most of them hadn't seen and the rest probably didn't care about. . . But still, it was a day that I needed a guy to just wrap his arms around me and let me cry or not cry. Someone to be there.

I don't have that someone and I think that is the hardest part of it all.

Rest in peace Putter Face Gunner

Life engenders life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich. -Sarah Berndhart (1844-1923)

I cannot believe that I am doing this again... I have set myself up for a hearbreak that is going to be no less painful than so many I have had before. It is almost promised that the fall will happen, but I have this shred of hope... Therefore I am going to be the illogical and very emotion-driven woman that I am and hold on...

In summer, the song sings itself. -William Carlos Williams (1883-1963)

To say the least, I've had my struggles lately. Some I have made for myself and some I have just come along. I realized that a lot of it was because I didn't feel like I was of value to the people around me. I wasn't helping anyone and that sucks. This afternoon at work I slowed down enough to talk with Stacey and see how she was doing. We covered the basic stuff and chit chat and then I stopped and asked the question of questions, "How are you feeling about everything."

My sweet Stacey's eyes welled up with tears. I wrapped my arms around her and we went into the backroom. Helga probably didn't know what the heck was going on, but in that moment she was wise enough to stay away. She didn't go into details and I didn't ask her to since I didn't want to start her crying again. We are going out for frozen custard tomorrow night where we can talk without concerns of ears overhearing. I am so looking forward to being the one to listen... I like being that person.

"Anne" and I had plans to go fragrence shopping and her cousin "Sunny" came as well. It was fantastic.... From one yummy smelling bottle to coffee beans to another yummy smelling bottle. It took my a while and a lot of sniffing, but I came to my decision and Ralph Rocks it is. YUMMY! Olive Garden... yummy as well and even better when you're talking and laughing from salad to take-home boxes.

On the way home there was this amazing few seconds that I had a view of the Jordan River Temple and fireworks in the background from the fair. It went right along with the Sparta song that I had playing and as soon as the temple was out of my sight, raindrops started to hit my windshield. The smell and sound of rain with this overall content feeling was just.... perfect.

A day of tender mercies.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. -Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

So it's been a few days since I've seen Gibby due to changing situations and it is under my skin more than I'd like to admit... I mean here is this amazing man who I love being around and get along with great, but things have been strictly friendship; going on dates but not dating; nothing more than a good night hug. There is no commitment... but not being able to go out and talk face to face about all the big stuff and the little stuff has been really difficult.

I'm not sure how to feel about it... I've purposely been very guarded about everything because I don't want to get hurt or put undue pressure on him. Still, I manage to feel like I'm completely myself around him that somehow there is a connection. What that connection is, I'm not sure. Maybe he's in my life to support me while I'm in the eye of the tornado? Maybe there is a maybe something more of a relationship to come? Maybe somehow I'll manage to help him somehow? Maybe he's the example to look to for a future someone? Obviously I have my preferences on which reason I would like it to be, but I really think I can be okay with whichever one it turns out to be... I just hope he's able to stay in my life for a while in any capacity.

Dwell not upon thy weariness, thy strength shall be according to the measure of thy desire. -Arab Proverb

Is it possible to feel lost but have a direction at the same time? I feel like I have stepped into a new world; one that I'm not familiar with and one that I don't know how to navigate, however the fact is that I'm on a path with a destination means something, right?

My disorientation mostly comes from not knowing if any of my old path follows or overlaps this new one. There are some sections that I really want to stay the same... but I'm committed to going forward if they don't... I need strength to follow that through... I cannot waver and my destination cannot change.

Health is not valued till sickness comes. -Dr. Thomas Fuller (1654-1734)

My hat is off to codine. What a spledid drug. After over a week of dizziness, sinus drainage, and coughing I was diagnosed with bronchitis. My doctor prescribed me Amoxicillin in a dosage that looks like a horse pill for the actual infection, but she also had mercy on me and prescribed codine as a cough suppressant. Sigh... oh how I missed sleep.

As a side note, I had thought that my restlessness was the cause of my odd, but interestingly pleasant dreams. Apparently they are rooted somewhere in my heart because they didn't go away.

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear. --Dick Cavett (1936- )

I am a slacker. I know this. Therefore I am going to state how things are and how I feel about them.

Work: Nothing has really changed and I am going crazy. I keep getting closer and closer to this breaking point with Helga, but it is scary. If I leave I lose all my benefits. For the first time in my life I would be completely unprepared financially if anything were too happen.

Ed: Won't really talk to me unless he's telling me how much he's hurting. How much I hurt him. . . It sucks. I care about him so much and I can't do anything to stop it. . . Just hope that he can move past it.

Justin: Still some weird verson of friends. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. . .

Gibby: Really like the guy, but nothing is happening. Managing to play it chill somehow.

Scott: Yeah you haven't heard about him in a while. Had my first encounter since just after we broke up and it shook me up a bit. Also had a conversation over IM that resembled flirting... Don't know that status of he and his gf. Trying really hard to not care, but definitely caring.

Church: Back at the beginning

Marie and Fawn: Both amazing

Family: Love them.


Yeah.... We'll see how it goes.

Justin is supposed to come over soon. . . . My whole body has an unnatural, achey, tenseness. . . The last time I felt like this, I had to take my anxiety meds. Whatever is going to happen tonight cannot be good. . .

Food is an important part of a balanced diet. -Fran Lebowitz (1950- )

Last night Gibby and I went to Friday's to grab some food. Maybe it was the day. Maybe it was evidence of how lame I can be, but for some reason the fact that my chicken on top of my pasta was cut at a slant instead of straight down really bothered me.

Strangeness.

You cannot change character.

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.-Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

In respect to "the younger guy". . . #1 way to tell that a guy isn't into you: He openly checks out other women and shares what he thinks.

Sigh . . . a downside to being one of the guys.

I am never afraid of what I know. -Anna Sewell (1820-1878)

Yesterday I had the chance to meet some pretty important people in Gibby's life and although I was nervous, I was happy with how things went. I didn't have any idea how I was "supposed" to act and I am sure I made a few mistakes. Going into it, I knew that there was a chance that it would affect how I look at Gibby, and it did.

It did, but I am alright with it. I like it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. -W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

I mentioned that my birthday last month wasn't all that great. Yes, I know I have talked a lot about turning 22 and all, but for some reason it's just seemed bigger than other points in my life. Anyway it wasn't that great with my family because I saw my brothers and sisters all around me and listened to their conversations. There was this realization that I had nothing to relate with them about. They all have spouses, homes, landscaping, and kids as the topics of the conversation and I have nothing to say about any of it because I'm just not there yet.

It's a tradition in our family to go to a high school close by and watch fireworks on the 3rd of July. I had a lot of those same feelings from my birthday, but I guess I appreciate more about where I am right now. A light turned on. I am the cool aunt. When I went on a walk with two of my nieces and they ate it up. Walking with them. When we got back, I found out one of my nephews was asking where "his Carrie" was. Everyone wants to take a picture with me. The girls changed how they were wearing their glowing things to look like me. When I danced with the group of kids, it was impressive to them rather than being a parent and having it be embarrassing. I'll have that spouse, home, landscaping, and kids someday. Still hopefully sooner than later, but I want to soak up every moment that I have where I am.

You're never too old to become younger. -Mae West (1893-1980)

The younger guy. . . what is so freaking attractive about him? Obviously he's good-looking. He's intuitive. His laugh. Even his shyness. . . wow. Just attractive.

Work was a little stressful since Helga wasn't in yesterday until later and it seemed like everyone and their dog either dropped by of called to talk to her. District managers, managers from other stores, corporate people, author signing coordinators, just everyone. I guess that the VP of the company didn't call for her, but he did for me. Yeash. . . I loved it! It was a proof I needed to myself that I was responsible and could handle what I needed to.

On the tale end of it all Gibby called to say hello. It definitely made me smile, but I couldn't really talk so I told him I'd give him a call later. After I got home I sat down to talk to my mom, and the next thing I knew it was eight o'clock. I called Gibby back and we made plans to get together after he had closed his store. In the last post I talked about wanting to be that person that could be trusted, that friend and over frozen custord I was able to have some of that. It was wonderful.

Now I have to wonder how he will respond if we ever fall into that conversation about me. . .

Justin dropped off my Zune charger and it was good to see him for a second. A good day.

The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him. Henry Stimson (1867-1950)

Gibby, Gibby, Gibby. . . I called you a "walking enigma" and I meant it whole-heartedly. So, I'm not a pro when reading people, but I am decent. You have left me baffled and a little frustrated. I want so much for you to trust me and let me be a confidant about more than events. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I want to be that friend.

Crime butchers innocence to secure a throne, and innocence struggles with all its might against the attempts of crime. -Maximilien Robespierre

It's not every day that your day at work starts out with over 20 police vehicles blocking the road in front of your store, but that is how mine did. It all happened when this guy holed himself up across the street from us. Can you say creepy? What would have happened if he had come through a few minutes earlier or I had been a few minutes later to work?

If little else, the brain is an educational toy. -Tom Robins (1936- )

As I was talking to Fawn tonight about the concerns she has in her life, I realized I need to take my own advice in a lot of ways. I have learned SO much. I KNOW myself. So why don't I trust myself to do what I feel is right? I can do this.

Confusion is always the most honest response. -Marty Indik

There are a lot of important feelings you have as a teenager. A lot of firsts. Hopefully some lasts. Growth. I am 22 years old and I feel like I have run full-speed into a teenager brickwall.
Seriously, shouldn't I be over the whole "I don't fit in" aspect of it all?

At work I am the assistant manager. I kind of look at it as being an extension to the manager. Looking at things like she would and accomplishing what needs to get done. It's been hard to fulfill that. More often than not, I feel like I get dumped on from both sides. Helga and the employees talk about problems they have. . . in other words, they complain about each other. So I am trying to stand up for the employees and point out their positive attributes which leads Helga to think that I don't understand the problems that are going on and trying to explain to the employees the reasons behind what we do which they perceive as me taking Helga's side.

Gibby and I have talked a little bit more lately. Just texting, really. Again, I am totally amazed at how great this guy is, but I feel so young. I've had plenty of life experiences, but I don't feel like I have anything under my belt that could qualify me as a potential anything to him. Then there are other guys who I go out with and. . . well, they're immature with no direction in life. So I'm too young for what I want, but too "old" for what I can have.

As I mentioned before, I have a calling in the Young Women at church. I am the Beehive Advisor. A leader. However, I'm still being treated like one of the girls I'm supposed to lead by the other leaders who are already in Youn Women. So I'm too old for the girls to see me as someone who can relate to what they're going through, but too young for the other leaders to see me as an equal.

There is Justin, whom I care about dearly and I always want to be a part of my life, but I am having a hard time in two regards. First, trying to be the friend and take out the "something more" mentality of it all. Simple enough.

Secondly, that I don't mesh perfectly with his friends no matter how much I want to. The guys are hilarious and the girls are cute, but most of the time I'm just absorbing the conversation without adding to it so instead of becoming a part of the group I feel like more of a leech on their good times rather than part of the group.

With Ed and his friends, I've turned into "one of the guys" which is really cool. To be accepted into that role is something that I don't think I would ever earn, but how do I stand up for not wanting to hear the crass humor a girl shouldn't have to hear, but still maintain that blending in?

All these parts of my life (which is pretty darn near the whole of it) are conflicted. AH!

Old age, calm, expanded, broad with the haughty breadth of the universe, old age flowing free with the delicious near-by freedom of death.

-Edith Wharton (1862-1937)

It is now officially my birthday. 22.

Isn't this moment just past midnight supposed to be exciting? Aren't I supposed to dwell on all the wisdom I have gained? Shouldn't I wonder at all the opportunities ahead of me?

. . . Then why is that I find a heaviness on my shoulders and a loneliness in my heart?

Where is there dignity unless there is honesty? -Cicero (106 BC-43 BC)

Two nights ago, Ed told me a little a story. Well, I knew the story because I was part of it, but this story was the side that I never heard before; a side that made a whole lot of other things make sense and a story that made me think about where I am now.

Back in the day, really back in the day, after a break up, Ed was my confidant (that much hasn't changed). He was the person I went to take walks with, to let my thoughts flow out loud to, and just bawl on his shoulder when it was too much. No girl could have been luckier to have that calliber of friend. Completely unbeknownst to me, was that he liked me at the time. However he was gentlemanly enough to let me get through all my crud without the tumult of trying to figure out my feelings for someone else. I never got through that crud because I ended up getting back together with the guy that I broke up with.

So why does this make such a big deal to me years after the fact? I'm trying to sort that out. . .

Part of me purely flattered. This guy is one of the best out there.

Part of me is grateful that he told me.

Part of me feels justified. Last year when I had those feelings for him and it just wasn't there, I hurt a lot. It is like I wasn't beating my head against a wall for nothing because one time. . . one time he looked at me like that.

Part of me feels regret. Those "if only I knew"'s tend to get you, I guess.

Part of me wonders what it would take for both us to be on that page at the same time and if that is even possible.

The rest of me is just plain bewildered. I don't know what to think.

* * *

Aside from those thoughts, the story sent me down a road of self-evaluation. With my birthday coming around soon it made me wonder if that me that was lovable and attractive to guys is just gone. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, or I've put on weight, or I don't have my degree, or because I'm jaded from all of my experiences. . . . I love myself because I accept myself the best I can, but is there something there for somebody else to?

Laughing is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one spot. -Josh Billings (1818 - 1885)

Two weeks ago I was at work and answered a call from another store to look for something. I was in a jovial mood (which is rare for a Monday) and asked how "Gibby" was. He said something to the effect that he was well, but he was craving something and wasn't sure what it was. In the perky mood I was I said, "It's Dr. Pepper, isn't".

He agreed that it was indeed what would hit the spot and that we should go get a Dr. Pepper sometime. I consented, but figured it would be one of those things that was said, but would never actually happen. At the end of the week, I got another call from him concerning store business, but he tacked on. "So when are we going on our Dr. Pepper date."

"I don't know, when are we going on our Dr. Pepper date?"

"How about Friday, around seven?"

"Okay."

He said he'd let let me know the details and we hung up. When I placed the phone back in it's cradle it hit me. . . beyond that Gibby manages another store and is really nice on the phone, I know nothing about him. . . Thus my fishing began.

On Tuesday I went to my old store to talk with "Cindy" because I knew that they had worked together previously. However before I had said anything about it she says, "Hey, I heard you have a date Friday with Gibby, he's such a nice guy."

I had to laugh becuase apparently I'm not the only one who had pulled out his pole and put a worm on the hook. I found out enough for me to feel secure about the date and left. The next day I was working at the UPS computer when "Luke" came over and half yelled, "Hey!"

This was never a situation that I had before from him so I thought that I had done something wrong or somehow offended him. Once he knew that he had my attention he said, "I just want you to know that Gibby is one of the best guys I know."

So how many ponds has this guy been to? By the time Friday came around I was looking forward to seeing if I could measure up to whatever information he was able to catch.

Although I'm tempted to, I won't divulge all the details. The summation of it all was that I had a REALLY good time. It was the date to restore my faith in men. He was everything good. A gentleman, funny, thoughtful, interested in what was being said, very attractive. . . and that is exactly why he'll never call. It was just too darn perfect.

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.

-Og Mandino (1923 - 1996)

Sunday, I had an appointment with my bishop since we meet up every few weeks to make sure things are going alright. He helps me get stronger by giving me assignments like read such and such book or try to do such and such when you are in this situation. I have a small notebook that I take with me to church and to institute that I'll write notes in or thoughts I have and I also include the assignments I get from my bishop. I had finished writing what he wanted me to do and was putting away the notebook when he said, "I have something else for you, but I don't think you'll have to write it down."

It seemed a little weird to me, but I trust my bishop more than I can say. He then said, "Would you accept a call to the Young Women as a Beehive Advisor."

First words out of my mouth, "Are you serious?"

Let me explain where I'm coming from on this one. Young Women is for girls ages 12-18 and it includes a portion of church and also activities, "mutual", which are midweek and for our ward is on Wednesdays. Although I turn 22 in two weeks, I still feel like I just got out of Young Women. Also, I'm still working through things with the bishop (obviously) and I didn't think I could have a calling like that; especially a calling that requires leaders to be such examples. There is a lot of responsibility in teaching these Beehives, which are 12-13, expect the world. Goodness. . . it's a little overwhelming.

I did accept the calling and am trying my darndest to look forward to it. I will be late for mutual activities since I have math and I have to change my institute class, but as crazy as it is, I feel like this is a chance to prove what I can do to myself. . . that I am worthy of this and that I can rock it with help from the Lord.

If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day. -John A. Wheeler (1911- )

It has been a titch busy of late. It all began with the pre-Mother's Day phone order rush, continued with Mother's Day itself, starting classes for summer semester, and then trying to catch up with everyone I lost track of during my Mother's Day and school madness. Thank heaven I am to a point where I can maybe slow down enough to figure out what actually happened in the last three weeks.

• My cell phone contract ends in about a week and I have been really excited. This gives me the opportunity to have a half-way decent phone without having to pay an unbelievable amount for it. I've been taking my time trying to figure out what will serve me the best and after some searching, decided that I want a Motorola SLVR. Come to find out that Cingular is discontinuing the SLVR. Lame. . . . and now I'm back to square one.

• Along the lines of electronics problems, my laptop is refusing to charge. My VAIO has been through a lot with me so I took it in to have it looked at (and to look at the nerdy computer guys that I find super-attractive). When it came down to it they said it would probably cost me about $180 to get it fixed. I left it and was happy to get it running again, however then I got the call of doom. . . "Hi, this is Cute Nerd. I was looking to order the part we need to fix your computer and the cheapest I can find it at any vendor is $110." . . . WHAT?! So with labor and all, the repair will now cost me potentially $240. It's breaking my heart, but I'm considering maybe just building a new laptop and letting my VAIO go the way of out-dated computers.

• Good news! I finally made a decision on my MP3 player. I now have a very cute black Zune. Granted, it doesn't have any music on it because of the whole lappy issue, but I am stoked to fill it with music goodness. Along with that, I have finally replaced my broken car stereo. Radio is great, but that's all I've been able to listen to for the last six months. Maybe it's the control freak inside of me breaking out, but I just couldn't stand listening to another of the over-played, idiot-requested songs I kept hearing over and over again. The funny part of it all is that I have played a total of three Cd's in my stereo . . . over and over again. Now I just need a Wii and a DS and pretty much all of my electronic desires are fulfilled.

• Ed and I got into it a little a few weeks ago. We were talking and I came across as critical and self-righteous which is exactly opposite than I wanted to be. Ed means a lot to me as a friend and it was terrible knowing that I had hurt him. We are talking again now and I even went to hang out with him and the guys for a little bit. I just hope that maybe we can get back to where we were.

• Justin. . . Justin, Justin, Justin. I've come to the realization that it just will never be there with him. My comfort and love for him has to stay in the friend range, however I also have come to the realization that I am a walking contradiction. I do care about him on a level that is different. . . somewhere in the limbo of friendship and something more. He is one awesome guy and I want him to have the girls of all girls. . . someone that he just falls desperately in love with and can be with forever. That being said, when I hear things that could potentially mean that for him, I have this green monster inside of me that is just enraged with jealousy and also hurt that I'm not that one.

• Trying to figure out the whole friend/dating thing can be a little bit difficult. The situation with Logan is a little bit different than with Justin because we haven't dated before and it's easier to stay in the friend zone than push it any further. I don't even know that I want anything further, just that he is a really good guy and I enjoy hanging out with him.

• I know that we are all trying to find out who we are and that life is a journey, but what happens when you find a part of yourself that you really don't like? I feel like over the past few weeks I've found something that I wish I hadn't. That I wish was still buried. A part of me that has a short temper and isn't as responsive to how other people feel as I would like to be. I do not like that part of me at all . . .

• So it's kind of interesting, but I've actually been hanging out with girls lately. In the past, I've found my comfort just chilling with the guys since there seems to be a little less drama and a lot more straight-forwardness, but I am happy to say that "Fawn" is one cool chick; an ally of sorts. We're alike in a lot of ways, but different enough to be interesting. Yay for someone who understands what "CAOS" means!

I must say congratulations if you were able to pull something worthwhile out of all of that. With so much knocking around in my head, it didn't come out in a very cohesive manner.

The world is wide, and I will not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum. -Frances Willard (1839-1898)

I just ate an entire bowl of homemade white chocolate popcorn that was delicious as only something that is so horrible for you can be. The dilemma is that I did not find my answer before I got to the bottom. It is probably best to start from a somewhat beginning:

Work has not been very enjoyable of late and after some soul-searching and a locked in job offer somewhere else, I decided to put in my two weeks. Tuesday, my day off actually, I went in and talked to my manager "Helga". I think she was surprised at what I had to say in spite of her saying, "I've noticed you've been unhappy". She then began to say how much she appreciated me and all the work I have put into my position. Also that she has seen how much I have improved the systems we have in place an such. Helga talked about her own frustrations and that she can see where I am coming from. I thought it was sweet of her to give me a kind of "you did well and we wish you the best speech" then she said, "I would really hate to lose you and why don't we see what we can work out."

. . . What? . . . She said she needed to speak with our district manager and that she asked that I not make any final decisions until the next day. She took the time to call me later that night and to convey how much the D.M. appreciated me and to ask how much my hourly pay was because she could not remember. I thanked her and gave her the information that she needed and said good-bye.

Yesterday was her day off and today when we were both working in the office she sat me down and we touched base with each other as far as projects we were working on and then she told me that if I were to stay that they would give me a $ .75 an hour raise. I took it in and let her know that I would factor that into my considerations.

That complicates things a little bit. I mean the job I would be heading to is a pretty dramatic pay cut anyway, but I have to wonder how much it could get better at the store. It is hectic with Mother's Day coming up, but that is not why I felt like I should leave. Was this the reason I felt I needed to put in my two weeks? That this opportunity was waiting to open up for me?

Should I fold and stick around, or make ends meet?

What about school? How can I afford to pay for it without staying? How do I handle working both if I do stay?

Is this my opportunity to become more independent or will I become even more dependant upon money?

What happens if the other job is not a good fit for me?

So here I am, one delicious bowl of popcorn (which I am actually feeling really guilty about) later, and I have no answers.

I just hope that whatever decision I make, either right or wrong, I can take the consequences/blessings as they come.

Everybody likes to go their own way--to choose their own time and manner of devotion. -Jane Austen (1775-1817)

I started, but didn't have time to finish a post on Tuesday to talk about how interesting it was to have a religious debate with someone of my same religion. Two nights later I found how interesting it was to explain my religious reasoning and beliefs to someone who was not.

I do not mind talking about being LDS. In my opinion, if you are scared to talk about something you believe in, you may want to reevaluate and see if you really believe what you say you do. That being said I was terrified of not talking about it, but about being inadequate in explaining why beliefs are as they are and how I feel about them. It is kind of a line upon line thing. There are doctrines that build from other doctrines and things that intertwine with each other.

In my head, I have this little map set of how things work. I have had my years in primary and Sunday School to figure it out and it just works, but trying to voice that in a cohesive manner to someone else was a little like trying to explain the process a diamond being made and having it come out as if it were just a lump of coal.

So "Adam", although I did not expect our conversation, I thank you. I hope you found something in it and that my beliefs have not put a wedge in our friendship.

Without music, life would be a mistake. -Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

As I was jogging around the track tonight, and around again, and again, I realized a desperate desire for music to break the monotany. I enjoy my runs and how I feel after, but goodness sake! How about a little Thrice or Armor for Sleep? I bet I could even put "Eye of the Tiger" on for a few laps and be darn perky. Yes, it is true. I have not stepped into the modern day and purchased an MP3 player. Now that I have established a rationalized "need" for one though, I have no idea what to get.



There is always the ipod, but for some reason they just put me off. Maybe it was the trendiness of them or that they seem to be outrageously priced. Justin has a Zune and loves it. They seem nice, but this is kind of a lot of money to drop on something. Then there are always the obscur brands, but can I trust that?



Sigh. . .

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.-Maya Angelou (1928- )

Last night I remembered something that I think I may have forgotten. Jay is human.

That night and the weeks after, all I could do was defend him as a person. It was not possible in my mind that he could understand what had happened. Then after more time, I focused in on what did happen and the fear and anxiety that came with it. I became angry with what I have to deal with on a daily basis. I was calloused to any good memory.

I will not excuse what he did, but in a quiet moment I remembered that he has pain too.

What does it mean to have beautiful eyes?

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Oh the beauty of days off. Although it would appear to be a day to do nothing, I have found it is important to make something of it to negate the potential laciviousness that could ensue otherwise. Please do not mistake that as a call to be on the go all the time. Today I made sure to sleep in and have no pressing errands that couldn't wait until the afternoon.

I went to the rec center and ran. It is sad how long it has been since I took the time to go, but it felt amazing to feel the hot blood in my cheeks and my muscles contract and release as I picked up and set down my feet. I have no claim to speed or endurance, but that doesn't change the freedom I feel. Maybe it is a little ironic that I find freedom in running in circles.

Lunch with mom was nice. A lot of it was avoiding talking about the different guys in my life. She has the best of intentions and is trying so hard to relate to what is going on with me, but the truth is I have a hard enough time finding a different focus in my mind than men that I wish she wouldn't bring all of that to the forefront when we are together.

A quick stop at Barnes and Noble to meet up with Ed. Two more books purchased to add to my mountain to read.

A cat nap and a night out with "Fawn" was perfect. It is awesome having a friend who understands all of the goofy girl stuff; who knows how to laugh in a chick flick and most-importantly, that ice cream is the only dessert that will fill the cracks after a good meal.

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. -Titus Maccius Plautus

What do you get when you mix a had-a-bad-day-at work, unattractive-feeling, de-spiritualized Carrie with a night on the town? Answer: a poor situation for Ed to walk into.

This guy is tough though. He not only made it through dinner, CD/DVD shopping, and a movie, he somehow managed to make my night a really good one. Yes, I couldn't make a decision to save my life. Yes, I gave him hell when he was checking out girls (which he could totally could have snagged from numbers from). Yes, I bit his head off when he brought up CPR, but I guess that's why he's the Jolly Green Giant. He took it all in stride. Shoot. If he wasn't Ed, I just might fall for him. Alas, he is Ed and I couldn't fit him anywhere in my heart but where he is.

Someday. . .maybe someone like him. . . . That is if I ever have the patience to make it to someday.

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.-Margaret Mead (1901-1978)

I like a guy, my family likes the guy, my friends like the guy. His family likes me, his friends like me. . . So what's missing? Oh yeah, the whole him liking me part. It is generally a sign I am not a high priority to him when I ask when we can have some us time and he says May. It sucks more than I can say. I took that once. . . never again.

On a positive note, I have fulfilled one of my goals for this year: I now know how to play pool (thanks Ed).

April 2006

broken dolls--
torn dresses--
laying on the floor
tears-- salt water
making paths down--
this cheek
this cheek you left-- your stain
this cheek scrubbed-- raw
trying to feel-- cleansed
trying to remove-- this hurt
--making it hurt
hoping if there is a wound-- visible
to someone outside--
someone to understand--
understand I am not-- okay
understand why-- you did this
someone to make me-- understand
why I am laying on this floor among
broken dolls--
torn dresses--
tears-- salt water
making paths down--
this cheek

Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.

-Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-1864)

Life happens in the quiet moments. A lot of things have been going on lately. New experiences and n ew emotions. Old experiences and old emotions.

The quiet moments. I ache for the quiet moments. The quiet moment to have conversation with God. The quiet moment to fall in love. The quiet moment to feel at peace with myself.

I haven't had any of those recently either from neglect, fear, or no real opportunity. How can I make something real?

Strange dreams are a safety valve... - Orson Scott Card (1951- )*

I cannot say what Card meant in the above statement, but I recognize its truth. Dreams often are my escape from the terrors of life and often the terrors of possibility that bring me from sleep. Most recently my dreams have returned to nightmares. They are memories that are with me forever, but are recalled in my sleep without invitation. I stopped telling my parents about the nightmares almost as soon as they started and only confided in Scott and a couple times in Ed. . . Scott and I don't talk anymore, and I feel like if I relapse to Ed I will disappoint him.

The anniversary of that day is only a week away and I pray that somehow these dreams are going to make that easier; that they are my safety valve. There must be something brighter than where they take me.

*Ender's Game. New York: Tom Doherty Associates, LLC, 1985

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -Steven Wright (1955- )

It was a long day at work and I am starting to wonder if there is ever anything but a long day at work. Just the same it was easier to get through since I knew I was hanging out with Justin tonight. We went to Melee's house and played poker with a bunch of people.

I don't know if it comes across in the posts, but I am a serious card shark. . . Rrright. Tonight was my first poker game where I was acutally betting. It was Texas Hold 'Em and my late night Spike TV watching came in handy. There was a lot of goofing off and a lot of crass humor since I was the only girl for the majority of the time, but it seems like I held my own. I came in second (if you can take places in poker). Yay! I cannot say that a good portion of things was due to the fact that people were getting tired and going "all in" on really lame cards, but I guess that's kind of part of the game. If it is or isn't, I won't complain.

Politics is applesauce. -Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Doug Wright seems like a good enough guy. He stands up for what he believes. He seems to be well-researched in his opinions. He has a popular following. So what do I have against him?

The fact that he did a live remote broadcast from my store Friday (yesterday).

Ugh. Just ugh. I cannot really fight corporate for arranging this lovely publicity stunt because the store was packed and the sales figures are all that they really care about. Someone so vocally political, someone so holier-than-thou, someone who tries so hard though. . . There is a reason I do not listen to talk radio and I do not a appreciate it being thrust upon me in a way that I cannot avoid it.

Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway. -Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

You know when you go to a club and you're waiting in the line and there is that group of people that somehow have the hook-up with somebody so that they don't have to wait in the crazy-long line like everyone else? That group that doesn't have to pay cover and knows the bartenders so they treat you really well? That group that knows the DJ and his two kids? That group that people just make space for on the dance floor? . . .Tonight I was in that group.

It was a really good time. I wasn't really planning on a big night out or anything, but after Institute and dinner with AP, Marie, and Marie's cousin I met up with Justin and we went to Area with Melee, "Madrid", "Audrey", and "Tiffany". I was surprised at how comfortable I felt.

They just took me as I was. It didn't matter if I did or didn't drink (thanks Melee for the Coke, by the way) or that my dancing is not something to be proud of. It was just kicking back and laughing. It didn't matter if I dressed up. It didn't matter to Justin if I let my hand rest on his knee. I didn't have to worry about doing something wrong. It was so relieving just to have that ability to not care.

At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. -Jean Houston(1937- )

*Sigh* I am so happy that the ending of things is finally over and I can concentrate on the beginning of things. Justin came over Wednesday night and we watched a movie and had a good conversation. Honest to goodness, I don't know how it started, but it turned into a DTR. My favorite part: "So from now on I will be your [Justin] and you will be my Carrie. . ."

For something that I didn't anticipate, it was wonderful. It was a little weird since I still had two dates scheduled for that weekend, but Justin said he trusted me. Trust how cool is that?

David and I had a little talk on Thursday before I went to my dad's party, but the talk did not go the direction he was expecting. He was hurt and angry, but after a couple of days and another talk to follow-up and reaffirm the previous choice I made, it seems that situation of things has calmed down. He told me that he loved me. . . I am so excited for the day when he has finds someone and can look back and know that whatever he feels for me is not love. He deserves that.

Since the talk with David automatically cancelled my date for Saturday I just had to worry about my date Friday with M&Ms. We went to the symphony which was amazing. It was my first time and it certainly didn't disappoint. There were people of all different ages and sizes and shapes and they were all there because they wanted to listen to beautiful music. I could see myself getting just as stoked for a symphony as a rock show (The Early November is coming on the 30th by the way).

M&Ms and I talked about discontinuing dating today when he asked me out for this coming Friday. He was pretty bummed, but I think it won't be so bad because we've only been out a couple of times. I am glad that I can see friendship as a possibility with him.

Saturday night I went to The Pie, a pizza place/bar (best cheese pull-aparts ever) with Justin and a bunch of his friends. One of the things I've been nervous about has been how Justin's friends would receive me. Many of them have known me since the first time we dated, but there is one guy "Melee" who I've never really felt I have given the best impression. Being a quiet person and nervous (even though Justin hasn't really told his friends at this point), I guess I was pretty withdrawn whenMelee said, "Carrie, if you don't put a smile on your face right now I'll smack you upside the head."

That was the best thing he could have ever said and from that point on he has gained nothing but respect from me. It made me laugh, it made everyone else laugh, and it just made it easier to feel like it would be okay. I am so grateful for that.

What a mixture of emotions... I hate hurting other people, especially those who so sincerely care about me. I love that I put myself out there and that I have a chance for something new. There are no promises... I can't really explain it all since it's my daddy's birthday, but I wanted to say that.

You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need. -Vernon Howard (1918-1992)

I should be happy. . . I really should. It's Tuesday (well, just past midnight so technically Wednesday) I have a date Friday, another date Saturday, and just finished having a girls night with chick flicks and junk food. So I should be happy, right?

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you. -Wally "Famous" Amos (1936- )

I wanted to write tonight although I cannot really decide the topic on which to do that. It's almost as if my body has decided to turn off its feelings and just left me with a numb undertone to everything. Not excitement. Not sadness. Just the minimal emotional response. For example, the date on Friday with M&Ms. There was good conversation. He was funny. It was a rounded group of people. No real awkwardness. I had fun, but it didn't seem to sink below the surface.

Why is that?

Yep, there's that concert grand.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. -Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Never have I considered myself to be a very opinionated person. I think that I may have had a false self-image though. Tonight David and I went on a date and during dinner we got into quite a "discussion". It wasn't hostile in any personal way, but we had very polar views. I believe part of my resistance to give at all in what I was saying was in trying to break into David's reserved manner and get a rise out of him, but in all actuality I had an opionion. That's kind of a new thing. So many times before, I let people walk all over me. If they kept talking long enough, I would give in just to ease the tension, but I was not willing to do that tonight and I enjoyed the power it brought out from within me.

Oh, considerate David. We took a walk over to Barnes & Noble which is retail heaven for me. I find myself giddy when I let my eyes wander over all of the books. The stacks and rows of classic works. . .sigh. . . there is so much beauty. As you may have realized, I'm not always the most intellectual soul and although I try, some depths of meaning elude me. With books I can read and re-read and then read about and then guess and read again later and find something new. Not many things are better than that! I am a bona fide bookworm. I was trying to decide which purchase to make between two books when David offered, well more stated, that he was going to buy one of them for me. It was very thoughtful and appreciated. I wasn't expecting it.

Bowling is probably one of my favorite things to do. At one point I was bowling 5-6 games a week. I have no special talent for it and in all honesty, I'm terrible. Somehow I have the best time losing though! Tonight David and I decided to pick up a couple of games. We were starting a game when a faily nondescript group came to the lane beside ours. I realized that among the group there was "Krista" who I worked with my first Christmas season at Seagull. We said our "hello"s and "what have you been up to"s and played our respective games. As we were leaving and passed the group to leave I found out that David knew someone in the group too. We'll call her "Anita."

Anita is on of AP's best friend's. Before David and I even really started getting to know each other, AP had told me that Anita and David had been quite the heavy texters for a while. There was even a beginning of a relationship there. It never went anywhere really, but I could see her size me up and heard the flippant tone when she spoke to David.

It may have been a carry over from our dinner conversation, but I didn't feel intimidated. She saw me as competition. I saw her as hilarious. The poor girl probably thought I was smiling to match her overly-large fake smile, but really I was laughing at the situation. I was tempted to get super-close to David and play it up, but I think that would send David in a direction that I wasn't sure I wanted to head. Neither of them had an idea that I knew about their history, so I let it go. It was a pleasant ride home.

I hate to say it, but apparently the table that I placed my heart on is the exact table that a baby grand piano was set to be dropped upon. . . and I think a concert grand is being put in position now. . . . Lame. At this point I do not know that I have been just action, but that theory seems to have the most evidence to back it up. Again. . . . Lame.

Guys, guys, guys. . . Although they are definitely not the center of my life they are either the center of my problems or indecision. For the time being I am determined to be open from here on out. I am looking forward to my date Friday and am also okay with the fact that next week or the next month I may not have one at all. <3>Sunday, however I received a note in the mail from the sister who had done the offending. I shouldn't be so quick to judge. It serves me right to be wrong.

Drink to me only with thine eyes. . . -Benjamin Johnson (1665-1742)

I am gone. Justin came over on Friday and we watched a movie and kissed an cuddled. So what's different this time than the past? I had the forever eyes. . . . The moment where I realize I could look at the person in front of me forever.

He came over tonight. No reason other than to say good night for a few minutes. I wasn't sure what to expect, but the kiss he gave me was oh so sweet. My heart is out on the table in its entirety. I am definitely gone.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. -Oscar WIlde (1884-1900)

My first instinct is to scream. At the same time I know I should do rather than what I want to do.

Sunday school was great I don't remember the last time everyone so openly participated and it was a wonderful discussion. It has been such a blessing having a young adults class separate from the other gospel doctrine. I am being taught by me peers who are experiencing the same things. If only that feeling could have carried over to Relief Society.

I took the seat that my mother had saved for me in the Relief Society room just as the announcements began. After the first one I overheard a hushed comment between to women made that at first I wasn't sure I had actually understood correctly. It was not directed toward me, it was not about me specifically, but it was entirely offensive. I turned my head without thinking out of shock. After seeing whom it was between, I knew that I had heard it. When I turned my head forward again I heard the whisper, "Oops."

I stood and I couldn't distinguish what the whispers were as I headed towards the door, but it didn't matter. That would say what they did about anyone, even someone who has been very open with the struggles they have had, someone who especially needed their love and caring both broke my heart and enraged me. Sweet "Logan" must have thought that he ran into tornado in the hall.

The walk home was cool and the breeze mixed with the sun was beautiful and made me think of this past week. It is almost as if I had been preparing for that moment when I would overhear those words. My thoughts, my scripture study, the institute lesson, the conversations I had with others, everything. I originally thought it was because of what happened with Jay, but now I find that it may have been for another end. . . I know that I should forgive without anything else necessary. In the parable of the debtor it says "he frankly forgave" and it was no small debt (Luke 7:42). I remember writing that down when I read it and retracing the words in my notebook.

I do not want to be the debtor who could not forgive such a small amount. I do not want to have the weight of all my debt, my shortcoming and sins, still with me because I could not forgive someone else. I know that an apology will most likely come from either of these ladies. Maybe they don't think they did anything wrong, however my forgiveness is still required. I pray that something so small will not make me bitter or even leave me open to being open to say things like those two women did.

The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards.-Arthur Koestler (1905-1983)

It is startling how much you think you learn about yourself in a relationship and then comparatively to what you learn about what you were in that relationship after it is over. My most recent experience in regard to that has been in my relationship with David.

Before me is this really sweet guy who is willing to do anything to gain favor in my eyes, who is smart and goal oriented, who has so much of the list you write in Young Women for the potential husband it is ridiculous, but I am just not feeling like I want anything more than a friend. Although I feel that way and know that I do not want anything more, it is tricky to find a way to tell him that.

Here is a little personal revelation that's embarrassing, but true. In my relationship with Scott, I was David. All I wanted was his approval, to make him happy. I ate eel. I spent too much money on picking up the tab when we went out. I told myself I wouldn't go to anymore concerts. I went to Gossip. I stopped wearing my corduroy pants. I memorized the names of his extended family. I stored every piece of information of his likes and dislikes he mentioned or even alluded to in my search to be the perfect woman for him and in the end it was what it was. He didn't have any real respect for me because he could change me how or whenever he wanted.

I'm starting to understand maybe even minutely how it must have been for him. I see why I could not work.


Work has been a rollercoaster in the most extreme way. I feel like I can take on anything and then completely inadequate. The stress of it all inundated me this week with Manager's Conference. The conference is not something that I attend, however all the managers do and the leaves the running of the store to me as the assistant. . . Even thinking about the past two days starts to drain the energy I have regained. Tomorrow is my day off and I do not know that I could have made it through another day.


What is it with me and tall guys? Yes, I've dated a few shorter ones, but for the most part they're at least a foot taller than me. That is not a difficult requirement considering my 5'2 height, but goodness. Yesterday a guy from the internet store "M&Ms" asked me on a date which is great because he is funny and chill, and after the couple of conversations we've had I want to get to know him better. The thing is that goes above (in the most litteral sense) and beyone that foot taller than me principle. In fact he does that and another half... he's 6'8. I am trying to figure out how the good night hug is going to work out.

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. -Albert Camus (1913 - 1960)

It is a horrible feeling when you have a capability that you take for granted stolen from you. Of course, my stupidity is what was the cause of my loss of mobility. Last week at work I strained my back carrying a stack of books (I promise it was really big stack). It was getting better and then yesterday morning I really screwed it up somehow.

I found myself cringing when I had to sit down or pick something up off of the ground and then not wanting to deal with the pain it would take to stand back up. My pride took a hit when I needed help. I do not think I realized how lucky I am to be independant so much of the time.

David and I were supposed to go downtown last night, but when it was apparent that I wouldn't be able to walk around he came over instead. I wasn't terribly exciting company. We watched "Cars" and cuddled. It was a wonderful end to a hard day.

Things do not change; we change. -Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

I realize that this is going to be an incredibly long blog and I apologize for that, but I hope you enjoy it or get something out of it or something.

A few weeks ago I wrote about a splendid night and never got back to talking about it. Well, now it's kind of pertinent, so I'll try to sum it up. I went with my friend "AP" to play games. In the group, there was his brother, "David" and two other guys. It was a fun night, and after a series of events I came to find out that David was interested in getting to know me better. He invited me to hang out with him last Saturday. We ended up going to dinner with his sister, her husband and their two children and then bowling afterwards.

I think the first thing that impressed me about David was that it was apparent that his nieces adore him. Generally guys recognize that it is important to be good with kids, but anybody watching the way that they interacted would know that it wasn't a show. That it was an ongoing thing. It was awesome getting to know him outside of texts and whatnot. I bowled my highest game (122) and got a turkey. It was a fun night.

Had an interesting conversation after sunday school. We had a great time discussing and debating a question. It's too bad that it isn't gospel oriented at all. I will pose the question to you: Who would win in a fight? Tinkerbell or Cinderella? My bets are on Cinderella. Yeah, Tink has fairy dust and has the advantage in flying, but Cinderalla must have some serious muscle built up from all that scrubbing and washing. Seriously.

"Marie" and I went shopping Tuesday in search of a date outfit for myself for Wednesday. Have you ever wondered why it's so easy for women to have a shoe addiction? Marie nailed it. The thing about shoes is that unlike clothes shopping, women generally do not care was size of shoe they where. Therefore they want as many as they can have because it doesn't suck so much shopping for them. So guys, if you want women to stop spending money on shoes, maybe you should make other sizes about as insignificant as the sizes of shoes.

Wednesday afternoon I went out with my mom and we were about to go get something to eat when I got a phone call. When I answered it was Marsha, an MT at the biggest store at Seagull. She asked me if I was sitting down and then said, "We would like to offer you the assistant manager position in our store." Usually I laugh about the sitting down thing for big news, but that was a crazy feeling. The offer is big in a few ways:

• It's a full-time position with guarenteed hours whereas my current position is only part time
• It includes benefits
• It maintains my Assistant Manager status
• It includes a pay raise

I couldn't stop myself from crying. I think I scared my mom to death. You know how people always bare their testimonies about all those great things that happen when you pay your tithing? I think that this is my first experience with that. I am so excited!

Later that night, David and I went on a date. He is so amazing sweet and although he hasn't had a whole lot experience in the relationship, he's so willing to try and understand everything. He is intelligent and independant. It's great to talk to a guy who is able to put his opinion out there, but not make you feel like he's forcing it on you. When we met up I felt great and he looked really nice. We went to see "Bridge to Terebithia", which was pretty good. We cuddled a bit and afterwards when we were walking around it was nice to laugh. I felt special and kept smiling even though he kicked my trash in go fish--twice. I'm not sure that he's totally comfortable yet, but he's easing into everything just fine.

There is a benefit and a drawback to dating a guy that doesn't have a lot of histories. I found that out Thursday during a messenger conversation. David is so honest and real. I love that! He is great at just putting himself out there and I am terrified to do that! I guess past experiences have made me more cautious in throwing myself into things. In my trying to avoid being hurt, but I am concerned that he will get hurt instead.

Today was my last day at my store. Even including all holidays, computer problems, power outages, terrigle customers, I think today was the hardest work day I've ever had. I said good-bye to my coworkers and even one of my favorite customers that came in. I will have to re-do my make-up before I go out tonight. lol.


...I think that's it. I hope so. My eyes are tired from looking at the screen.

Getting out of bed in the morning is an act of false confidence. -Jules Feiffer (1929- )

It was a beautiful thing this morning being snuggled perfectly in my mounds of blankets. No cold air sneaking through. No alarm clock to get up by. I knew it was by no means early by the light coming through the slits of my blinds, but I didn't want to leave that feeling of complete comfort.

I heard my door creak open and the sounds of little paws hopping to the stool and then onto my bed. It is not uncommon for one or both of my beagles to come to my room for a morning nap after their breakfast. Then I heard a new, not so familiar, "hic. . . hic. . . hic...". Opening my eyes I saw my sweet, sweet four year old niece with hiccups, big blue eyes and all, climbing onto my bed to wiggle in the niche beside me. . . . It was a beautiful thing this morning.

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time. -Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

It was a good day off yesterday. Picked up some really good music (ironic because my CD player isn't working). Took time to read my scriptures and more of Emily D. Made plans to hang out with Justin. . . and it kind of went funny from there.

The plan was to help Justin study for a test he had today. Didn't know how the heck I was supposed to help study for a Java test, but I figured moral support would be appreciated. He studied for like ten minutes and decided that he was done for the night. We went to the store to pick up a movie and ended up watching "Taledega Nights". The show was filled with the regular Will Ferrell crude humor and although he had his arm around me, Justin didn't make a move to kiss me. It could have been that my ego hurting, in fact, I KNOW it was my ego hurting so I asked him about it. He says "I don't know what I want, and neither do you." Yes, it's true that I don't know what I want long term in a lot of things, but right then I just wanted to be kissed and not worry about it. I scooted away from cuddling and after a few more Will Ferrell cracks, decided to go home for the night.

I cannot say that I'm super-experienced in the relationship department, however the phrase "I don't know what I want" has never been a phrase that's brought about anything good. The following are meanings I have found:

• I don't know what I want--which really means that I don't want you, but I haven't grown a pair big enough to tell you that
• I don't know what I want--but I'm going to let this happen and then if you get hurt, I'm not going to feel guilty because I never committed to anything.
• I don't know what I want--because everything else in my life is screwed up and you're not high enough on my priority list that I don't want to deal with this too.

Of course there are variations on those and mixing of multiple meanings, but what in any of them gives a girl any hope that maybe the guy could look at her and say (or do the equivalent of) what she really wants to hear:

"I don't know what is going to happen, but I'm willing to put myself out there and try things out. I will do everything I can to see if this supposed to be."

Needles to say I was feeling pretty sorry for myself on the ride home when I called my friend, "Ed", who was trying to figure out some of his own relationship stuff. We talked through it and although those seems never get resolved right away, I think he took a different way to look at things. He asked me how I was doing (when will my friends ever learn) and I broke down.

He came over and gave me a much needed hug and we started talking. He covered all the feel-good bases and listened to how I felt so lonely with so few friends even though I was trying so hard to make and maintain them and that I didn't have much direction to get out of the slump I was in. Ed then slapped me upside the head (figuratively speaking) with something I hadn't considered. "Maybe you aren't supposed to have friends right now."

Weirdest concept I've had placed before me in a long time. Isn't everyone supposed to have friends? Aren't you always supposed to as many someones to go have a good time with as you can? Aren't you always supposed to have as many someones that you let lean on you and that you can do the same?

In my stupor of silence, he broke it down that maybe I just need to be still for a while. Not the stagnant, unproductive still, but the still where you can just let things come to you and absorb them. I have to admit that I haven't done a lot of that lately. In working so hard to move on, putting on my okay-face, and sprinting to become the ideal picture of myself, I haven't stopped to be still.

Ed continued to build me up and give me that hope that I was originally looking for elsewhere. He's right too. . . I am on the verge of something big and it's just one small thing that's "keeping the huge cloud above me from bursting and the rain come pouring down on me" (rain is always represents good things in my life).

I do have an idea or two of what needs to change and in that moment of stopping my "doing" and being still, I feel like I have made more progress to what I am supposed to be, my ideal self, than I have in a long time.