The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards.-Arthur Koestler (1905-1983)

It is startling how much you think you learn about yourself in a relationship and then comparatively to what you learn about what you were in that relationship after it is over. My most recent experience in regard to that has been in my relationship with David.

Before me is this really sweet guy who is willing to do anything to gain favor in my eyes, who is smart and goal oriented, who has so much of the list you write in Young Women for the potential husband it is ridiculous, but I am just not feeling like I want anything more than a friend. Although I feel that way and know that I do not want anything more, it is tricky to find a way to tell him that.

Here is a little personal revelation that's embarrassing, but true. In my relationship with Scott, I was David. All I wanted was his approval, to make him happy. I ate eel. I spent too much money on picking up the tab when we went out. I told myself I wouldn't go to anymore concerts. I went to Gossip. I stopped wearing my corduroy pants. I memorized the names of his extended family. I stored every piece of information of his likes and dislikes he mentioned or even alluded to in my search to be the perfect woman for him and in the end it was what it was. He didn't have any real respect for me because he could change me how or whenever he wanted.

I'm starting to understand maybe even minutely how it must have been for him. I see why I could not work.


Work has been a rollercoaster in the most extreme way. I feel like I can take on anything and then completely inadequate. The stress of it all inundated me this week with Manager's Conference. The conference is not something that I attend, however all the managers do and the leaves the running of the store to me as the assistant. . . Even thinking about the past two days starts to drain the energy I have regained. Tomorrow is my day off and I do not know that I could have made it through another day.


What is it with me and tall guys? Yes, I've dated a few shorter ones, but for the most part they're at least a foot taller than me. That is not a difficult requirement considering my 5'2 height, but goodness. Yesterday a guy from the internet store "M&Ms" asked me on a date which is great because he is funny and chill, and after the couple of conversations we've had I want to get to know him better. The thing is that goes above (in the most litteral sense) and beyone that foot taller than me principle. In fact he does that and another half... he's 6'8. I am trying to figure out how the good night hug is going to work out.