Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway. -Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

You know when you go to a club and you're waiting in the line and there is that group of people that somehow have the hook-up with somebody so that they don't have to wait in the crazy-long line like everyone else? That group that doesn't have to pay cover and knows the bartenders so they treat you really well? That group that knows the DJ and his two kids? That group that people just make space for on the dance floor? . . .Tonight I was in that group.

It was a really good time. I wasn't really planning on a big night out or anything, but after Institute and dinner with AP, Marie, and Marie's cousin I met up with Justin and we went to Area with Melee, "Madrid", "Audrey", and "Tiffany". I was surprised at how comfortable I felt.

They just took me as I was. It didn't matter if I did or didn't drink (thanks Melee for the Coke, by the way) or that my dancing is not something to be proud of. It was just kicking back and laughing. It didn't matter if I dressed up. It didn't matter to Justin if I let my hand rest on his knee. I didn't have to worry about doing something wrong. It was so relieving just to have that ability to not care.

At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. -Jean Houston(1937- )

*Sigh* I am so happy that the ending of things is finally over and I can concentrate on the beginning of things. Justin came over Wednesday night and we watched a movie and had a good conversation. Honest to goodness, I don't know how it started, but it turned into a DTR. My favorite part: "So from now on I will be your [Justin] and you will be my Carrie. . ."

For something that I didn't anticipate, it was wonderful. It was a little weird since I still had two dates scheduled for that weekend, but Justin said he trusted me. Trust how cool is that?

David and I had a little talk on Thursday before I went to my dad's party, but the talk did not go the direction he was expecting. He was hurt and angry, but after a couple of days and another talk to follow-up and reaffirm the previous choice I made, it seems that situation of things has calmed down. He told me that he loved me. . . I am so excited for the day when he has finds someone and can look back and know that whatever he feels for me is not love. He deserves that.

Since the talk with David automatically cancelled my date for Saturday I just had to worry about my date Friday with M&Ms. We went to the symphony which was amazing. It was my first time and it certainly didn't disappoint. There were people of all different ages and sizes and shapes and they were all there because they wanted to listen to beautiful music. I could see myself getting just as stoked for a symphony as a rock show (The Early November is coming on the 30th by the way).

M&Ms and I talked about discontinuing dating today when he asked me out for this coming Friday. He was pretty bummed, but I think it won't be so bad because we've only been out a couple of times. I am glad that I can see friendship as a possibility with him.

Saturday night I went to The Pie, a pizza place/bar (best cheese pull-aparts ever) with Justin and a bunch of his friends. One of the things I've been nervous about has been how Justin's friends would receive me. Many of them have known me since the first time we dated, but there is one guy "Melee" who I've never really felt I have given the best impression. Being a quiet person and nervous (even though Justin hasn't really told his friends at this point), I guess I was pretty withdrawn whenMelee said, "Carrie, if you don't put a smile on your face right now I'll smack you upside the head."

That was the best thing he could have ever said and from that point on he has gained nothing but respect from me. It made me laugh, it made everyone else laugh, and it just made it easier to feel like it would be okay. I am so grateful for that.

What a mixture of emotions... I hate hurting other people, especially those who so sincerely care about me. I love that I put myself out there and that I have a chance for something new. There are no promises... I can't really explain it all since it's my daddy's birthday, but I wanted to say that.

You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need. -Vernon Howard (1918-1992)

I should be happy. . . I really should. It's Tuesday (well, just past midnight so technically Wednesday) I have a date Friday, another date Saturday, and just finished having a girls night with chick flicks and junk food. So I should be happy, right?

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you. -Wally "Famous" Amos (1936- )

I wanted to write tonight although I cannot really decide the topic on which to do that. It's almost as if my body has decided to turn off its feelings and just left me with a numb undertone to everything. Not excitement. Not sadness. Just the minimal emotional response. For example, the date on Friday with M&Ms. There was good conversation. He was funny. It was a rounded group of people. No real awkwardness. I had fun, but it didn't seem to sink below the surface.

Why is that?

Yep, there's that concert grand.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. -Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Never have I considered myself to be a very opinionated person. I think that I may have had a false self-image though. Tonight David and I went on a date and during dinner we got into quite a "discussion". It wasn't hostile in any personal way, but we had very polar views. I believe part of my resistance to give at all in what I was saying was in trying to break into David's reserved manner and get a rise out of him, but in all actuality I had an opionion. That's kind of a new thing. So many times before, I let people walk all over me. If they kept talking long enough, I would give in just to ease the tension, but I was not willing to do that tonight and I enjoyed the power it brought out from within me.

Oh, considerate David. We took a walk over to Barnes & Noble which is retail heaven for me. I find myself giddy when I let my eyes wander over all of the books. The stacks and rows of classic works. . .sigh. . . there is so much beauty. As you may have realized, I'm not always the most intellectual soul and although I try, some depths of meaning elude me. With books I can read and re-read and then read about and then guess and read again later and find something new. Not many things are better than that! I am a bona fide bookworm. I was trying to decide which purchase to make between two books when David offered, well more stated, that he was going to buy one of them for me. It was very thoughtful and appreciated. I wasn't expecting it.

Bowling is probably one of my favorite things to do. At one point I was bowling 5-6 games a week. I have no special talent for it and in all honesty, I'm terrible. Somehow I have the best time losing though! Tonight David and I decided to pick up a couple of games. We were starting a game when a faily nondescript group came to the lane beside ours. I realized that among the group there was "Krista" who I worked with my first Christmas season at Seagull. We said our "hello"s and "what have you been up to"s and played our respective games. As we were leaving and passed the group to leave I found out that David knew someone in the group too. We'll call her "Anita."

Anita is on of AP's best friend's. Before David and I even really started getting to know each other, AP had told me that Anita and David had been quite the heavy texters for a while. There was even a beginning of a relationship there. It never went anywhere really, but I could see her size me up and heard the flippant tone when she spoke to David.

It may have been a carry over from our dinner conversation, but I didn't feel intimidated. She saw me as competition. I saw her as hilarious. The poor girl probably thought I was smiling to match her overly-large fake smile, but really I was laughing at the situation. I was tempted to get super-close to David and play it up, but I think that would send David in a direction that I wasn't sure I wanted to head. Neither of them had an idea that I knew about their history, so I let it go. It was a pleasant ride home.

I hate to say it, but apparently the table that I placed my heart on is the exact table that a baby grand piano was set to be dropped upon. . . and I think a concert grand is being put in position now. . . . Lame. At this point I do not know that I have been just action, but that theory seems to have the most evidence to back it up. Again. . . . Lame.

Guys, guys, guys. . . Although they are definitely not the center of my life they are either the center of my problems or indecision. For the time being I am determined to be open from here on out. I am looking forward to my date Friday and am also okay with the fact that next week or the next month I may not have one at all. <3>Sunday, however I received a note in the mail from the sister who had done the offending. I shouldn't be so quick to judge. It serves me right to be wrong.

Drink to me only with thine eyes. . . -Benjamin Johnson (1665-1742)

I am gone. Justin came over on Friday and we watched a movie and kissed an cuddled. So what's different this time than the past? I had the forever eyes. . . . The moment where I realize I could look at the person in front of me forever.

He came over tonight. No reason other than to say good night for a few minutes. I wasn't sure what to expect, but the kiss he gave me was oh so sweet. My heart is out on the table in its entirety. I am definitely gone.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. -Oscar WIlde (1884-1900)

My first instinct is to scream. At the same time I know I should do rather than what I want to do.

Sunday school was great I don't remember the last time everyone so openly participated and it was a wonderful discussion. It has been such a blessing having a young adults class separate from the other gospel doctrine. I am being taught by me peers who are experiencing the same things. If only that feeling could have carried over to Relief Society.

I took the seat that my mother had saved for me in the Relief Society room just as the announcements began. After the first one I overheard a hushed comment between to women made that at first I wasn't sure I had actually understood correctly. It was not directed toward me, it was not about me specifically, but it was entirely offensive. I turned my head without thinking out of shock. After seeing whom it was between, I knew that I had heard it. When I turned my head forward again I heard the whisper, "Oops."

I stood and I couldn't distinguish what the whispers were as I headed towards the door, but it didn't matter. That would say what they did about anyone, even someone who has been very open with the struggles they have had, someone who especially needed their love and caring both broke my heart and enraged me. Sweet "Logan" must have thought that he ran into tornado in the hall.

The walk home was cool and the breeze mixed with the sun was beautiful and made me think of this past week. It is almost as if I had been preparing for that moment when I would overhear those words. My thoughts, my scripture study, the institute lesson, the conversations I had with others, everything. I originally thought it was because of what happened with Jay, but now I find that it may have been for another end. . . I know that I should forgive without anything else necessary. In the parable of the debtor it says "he frankly forgave" and it was no small debt (Luke 7:42). I remember writing that down when I read it and retracing the words in my notebook.

I do not want to be the debtor who could not forgive such a small amount. I do not want to have the weight of all my debt, my shortcoming and sins, still with me because I could not forgive someone else. I know that an apology will most likely come from either of these ladies. Maybe they don't think they did anything wrong, however my forgiveness is still required. I pray that something so small will not make me bitter or even leave me open to being open to say things like those two women did.

The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards.-Arthur Koestler (1905-1983)

It is startling how much you think you learn about yourself in a relationship and then comparatively to what you learn about what you were in that relationship after it is over. My most recent experience in regard to that has been in my relationship with David.

Before me is this really sweet guy who is willing to do anything to gain favor in my eyes, who is smart and goal oriented, who has so much of the list you write in Young Women for the potential husband it is ridiculous, but I am just not feeling like I want anything more than a friend. Although I feel that way and know that I do not want anything more, it is tricky to find a way to tell him that.

Here is a little personal revelation that's embarrassing, but true. In my relationship with Scott, I was David. All I wanted was his approval, to make him happy. I ate eel. I spent too much money on picking up the tab when we went out. I told myself I wouldn't go to anymore concerts. I went to Gossip. I stopped wearing my corduroy pants. I memorized the names of his extended family. I stored every piece of information of his likes and dislikes he mentioned or even alluded to in my search to be the perfect woman for him and in the end it was what it was. He didn't have any real respect for me because he could change me how or whenever he wanted.

I'm starting to understand maybe even minutely how it must have been for him. I see why I could not work.


Work has been a rollercoaster in the most extreme way. I feel like I can take on anything and then completely inadequate. The stress of it all inundated me this week with Manager's Conference. The conference is not something that I attend, however all the managers do and the leaves the running of the store to me as the assistant. . . Even thinking about the past two days starts to drain the energy I have regained. Tomorrow is my day off and I do not know that I could have made it through another day.


What is it with me and tall guys? Yes, I've dated a few shorter ones, but for the most part they're at least a foot taller than me. That is not a difficult requirement considering my 5'2 height, but goodness. Yesterday a guy from the internet store "M&Ms" asked me on a date which is great because he is funny and chill, and after the couple of conversations we've had I want to get to know him better. The thing is that goes above (in the most litteral sense) and beyone that foot taller than me principle. In fact he does that and another half... he's 6'8. I am trying to figure out how the good night hug is going to work out.