In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. -Albert Camus (1913 - 1960)

It is a horrible feeling when you have a capability that you take for granted stolen from you. Of course, my stupidity is what was the cause of my loss of mobility. Last week at work I strained my back carrying a stack of books (I promise it was really big stack). It was getting better and then yesterday morning I really screwed it up somehow.

I found myself cringing when I had to sit down or pick something up off of the ground and then not wanting to deal with the pain it would take to stand back up. My pride took a hit when I needed help. I do not think I realized how lucky I am to be independant so much of the time.

David and I were supposed to go downtown last night, but when it was apparent that I wouldn't be able to walk around he came over instead. I wasn't terribly exciting company. We watched "Cars" and cuddled. It was a wonderful end to a hard day.

Things do not change; we change. -Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

I realize that this is going to be an incredibly long blog and I apologize for that, but I hope you enjoy it or get something out of it or something.

A few weeks ago I wrote about a splendid night and never got back to talking about it. Well, now it's kind of pertinent, so I'll try to sum it up. I went with my friend "AP" to play games. In the group, there was his brother, "David" and two other guys. It was a fun night, and after a series of events I came to find out that David was interested in getting to know me better. He invited me to hang out with him last Saturday. We ended up going to dinner with his sister, her husband and their two children and then bowling afterwards.

I think the first thing that impressed me about David was that it was apparent that his nieces adore him. Generally guys recognize that it is important to be good with kids, but anybody watching the way that they interacted would know that it wasn't a show. That it was an ongoing thing. It was awesome getting to know him outside of texts and whatnot. I bowled my highest game (122) and got a turkey. It was a fun night.

Had an interesting conversation after sunday school. We had a great time discussing and debating a question. It's too bad that it isn't gospel oriented at all. I will pose the question to you: Who would win in a fight? Tinkerbell or Cinderella? My bets are on Cinderella. Yeah, Tink has fairy dust and has the advantage in flying, but Cinderalla must have some serious muscle built up from all that scrubbing and washing. Seriously.

"Marie" and I went shopping Tuesday in search of a date outfit for myself for Wednesday. Have you ever wondered why it's so easy for women to have a shoe addiction? Marie nailed it. The thing about shoes is that unlike clothes shopping, women generally do not care was size of shoe they where. Therefore they want as many as they can have because it doesn't suck so much shopping for them. So guys, if you want women to stop spending money on shoes, maybe you should make other sizes about as insignificant as the sizes of shoes.

Wednesday afternoon I went out with my mom and we were about to go get something to eat when I got a phone call. When I answered it was Marsha, an MT at the biggest store at Seagull. She asked me if I was sitting down and then said, "We would like to offer you the assistant manager position in our store." Usually I laugh about the sitting down thing for big news, but that was a crazy feeling. The offer is big in a few ways:

• It's a full-time position with guarenteed hours whereas my current position is only part time
• It includes benefits
• It maintains my Assistant Manager status
• It includes a pay raise

I couldn't stop myself from crying. I think I scared my mom to death. You know how people always bare their testimonies about all those great things that happen when you pay your tithing? I think that this is my first experience with that. I am so excited!

Later that night, David and I went on a date. He is so amazing sweet and although he hasn't had a whole lot experience in the relationship, he's so willing to try and understand everything. He is intelligent and independant. It's great to talk to a guy who is able to put his opinion out there, but not make you feel like he's forcing it on you. When we met up I felt great and he looked really nice. We went to see "Bridge to Terebithia", which was pretty good. We cuddled a bit and afterwards when we were walking around it was nice to laugh. I felt special and kept smiling even though he kicked my trash in go fish--twice. I'm not sure that he's totally comfortable yet, but he's easing into everything just fine.

There is a benefit and a drawback to dating a guy that doesn't have a lot of histories. I found that out Thursday during a messenger conversation. David is so honest and real. I love that! He is great at just putting himself out there and I am terrified to do that! I guess past experiences have made me more cautious in throwing myself into things. In my trying to avoid being hurt, but I am concerned that he will get hurt instead.

Today was my last day at my store. Even including all holidays, computer problems, power outages, terrigle customers, I think today was the hardest work day I've ever had. I said good-bye to my coworkers and even one of my favorite customers that came in. I will have to re-do my make-up before I go out tonight. lol.


...I think that's it. I hope so. My eyes are tired from looking at the screen.

Getting out of bed in the morning is an act of false confidence. -Jules Feiffer (1929- )

It was a beautiful thing this morning being snuggled perfectly in my mounds of blankets. No cold air sneaking through. No alarm clock to get up by. I knew it was by no means early by the light coming through the slits of my blinds, but I didn't want to leave that feeling of complete comfort.

I heard my door creak open and the sounds of little paws hopping to the stool and then onto my bed. It is not uncommon for one or both of my beagles to come to my room for a morning nap after their breakfast. Then I heard a new, not so familiar, "hic. . . hic. . . hic...". Opening my eyes I saw my sweet, sweet four year old niece with hiccups, big blue eyes and all, climbing onto my bed to wiggle in the niche beside me. . . . It was a beautiful thing this morning.

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time. -Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

It was a good day off yesterday. Picked up some really good music (ironic because my CD player isn't working). Took time to read my scriptures and more of Emily D. Made plans to hang out with Justin. . . and it kind of went funny from there.

The plan was to help Justin study for a test he had today. Didn't know how the heck I was supposed to help study for a Java test, but I figured moral support would be appreciated. He studied for like ten minutes and decided that he was done for the night. We went to the store to pick up a movie and ended up watching "Taledega Nights". The show was filled with the regular Will Ferrell crude humor and although he had his arm around me, Justin didn't make a move to kiss me. It could have been that my ego hurting, in fact, I KNOW it was my ego hurting so I asked him about it. He says "I don't know what I want, and neither do you." Yes, it's true that I don't know what I want long term in a lot of things, but right then I just wanted to be kissed and not worry about it. I scooted away from cuddling and after a few more Will Ferrell cracks, decided to go home for the night.

I cannot say that I'm super-experienced in the relationship department, however the phrase "I don't know what I want" has never been a phrase that's brought about anything good. The following are meanings I have found:

• I don't know what I want--which really means that I don't want you, but I haven't grown a pair big enough to tell you that
• I don't know what I want--but I'm going to let this happen and then if you get hurt, I'm not going to feel guilty because I never committed to anything.
• I don't know what I want--because everything else in my life is screwed up and you're not high enough on my priority list that I don't want to deal with this too.

Of course there are variations on those and mixing of multiple meanings, but what in any of them gives a girl any hope that maybe the guy could look at her and say (or do the equivalent of) what she really wants to hear:

"I don't know what is going to happen, but I'm willing to put myself out there and try things out. I will do everything I can to see if this supposed to be."

Needles to say I was feeling pretty sorry for myself on the ride home when I called my friend, "Ed", who was trying to figure out some of his own relationship stuff. We talked through it and although those seems never get resolved right away, I think he took a different way to look at things. He asked me how I was doing (when will my friends ever learn) and I broke down.

He came over and gave me a much needed hug and we started talking. He covered all the feel-good bases and listened to how I felt so lonely with so few friends even though I was trying so hard to make and maintain them and that I didn't have much direction to get out of the slump I was in. Ed then slapped me upside the head (figuratively speaking) with something I hadn't considered. "Maybe you aren't supposed to have friends right now."

Weirdest concept I've had placed before me in a long time. Isn't everyone supposed to have friends? Aren't you always supposed to as many someones to go have a good time with as you can? Aren't you always supposed to have as many someones that you let lean on you and that you can do the same?

In my stupor of silence, he broke it down that maybe I just need to be still for a while. Not the stagnant, unproductive still, but the still where you can just let things come to you and absorb them. I have to admit that I haven't done a lot of that lately. In working so hard to move on, putting on my okay-face, and sprinting to become the ideal picture of myself, I haven't stopped to be still.

Ed continued to build me up and give me that hope that I was originally looking for elsewhere. He's right too. . . I am on the verge of something big and it's just one small thing that's "keeping the huge cloud above me from bursting and the rain come pouring down on me" (rain is always represents good things in my life).

I do have an idea or two of what needs to change and in that moment of stopping my "doing" and being still, I feel like I have made more progress to what I am supposed to be, my ideal self, than I have in a long time.

Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale. Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man. -William Shakespeare, "King John " Act 3 Scene 4

What happened to that amazing feeling I had just a couple of weeks ago when I went to church. Today I really struggled. Maybe it was the disappointment of someone not coming who said he might. Maybe it's the carry over of feeling lonely with few friends. Maybe it's worthiness issues. Maybe it's lack of sleep. . . I don't know. I just feel that painful dulness that I wish I could find it's source.

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. -Pericles (490-429 B.C)

Over the last few days I've been thinking about an ex-boyfriend, "Jay". My relationship with him was probably the most detrimental to me emotionally of any that I have had. The reasons are complicated and ones that I'm not ready to post, but all in all there is a lot of fear in regards to him. My thoughts were brought to the forefront of my mind today as I found myself on the road where he lived, at a pool hall, near a bar he frequented. . . I would never place myself anywhere that I knew him to be on purpose, but I have this feeling that sometime, sooner than later, I am going to have that moment where our paths will cross.

I do not believe he will hurt me (any more than he has). I do not believe he will seek me out. I do not believe there will be a confrontation. I believe I will be able to maintain composure until I find a safe place that is suitable for otherwise. It may be nothing more than crossing each other in the street, but it is that waiting for it to happen that haunts me.

... did have a splendid night, but those stories are for another post.