The plan was to help Justin study for a test he had today. Didn't know how the heck I was supposed to help study for a Java test, but I figured moral support would be appreciated. He studied for like ten minutes and decided that he was done for the night. We went to the store to pick up a movie and ended up watching "Taledega Nights". The show was filled with the regular Will Ferrell crude humor and although he had his arm around me, Justin didn't make a move to kiss me. It could have been that my ego hurting, in fact, I KNOW it was my ego hurting so I asked him about it. He says "I don't know what I want, and neither do you." Yes, it's true that I don't know what I want long term in a lot of things, but right then I just wanted to be kissed and not worry about it. I scooted away from cuddling and after a few more Will Ferrell cracks, decided to go home for the night.
I cannot say that I'm super-experienced in the relationship department, however the phrase "I don't know what I want" has never been a phrase that's brought about anything good. The following are meanings I have found:
- I don't know what I want--which really means that I don't want you, but I haven't grown a pair big enough to tell you that
- I don't know what I want--but I'm going to let this happen and then if you get hurt, I'm not going to feel guilty because I never committed to anything.
- I don't know what I want--because everything else in my life is screwed up and you're not high enough on my priority list that I don't want to deal with this too.
Of course there are variations on those and mixing of multiple meanings, but what in any of them gives a girl any hope that maybe the guy could look at her and say (or do the equivalent of) what she really wants to hear:
"I don't know what is going to happen, but I'm willing to put myself out there and try things out. I will do everything I can to see if this supposed to be."
Needles to say I was feeling pretty sorry for myself on the ride home when I called my friend, "Ed", who was trying to figure out some of his own relationship stuff. We talked through it and although those seems never get resolved right away, I think he took a different way to look at things. He asked me how I was doing (when will my friends ever learn) and I broke down.
He came over and gave me a much needed hug and we started talking. He covered all the feel-good bases and listened to how I felt so lonely with so few friends even though I was trying so hard to make and maintain them and that I didn't have much direction to get out of the slump I was in. Ed then slapped me upside the head (figuratively speaking) with something I hadn't considered. "Maybe you aren't supposed to have friends right now."
Weirdest concept I've had placed before me in a long time. Isn't everyone supposed to have friends? Aren't you always supposed to as many someones to go have a good time with as you can? Aren't you always supposed to have as many someones that you let lean on you and that you can do the same?
In my stupor of silence, he broke it down that maybe I just need to be still for a while. Not the stagnant, unproductive still, but the still where you can just let things come to you and absorb them. I have to admit that I haven't done a lot of that lately. In working so hard to move on, putting on my okay-face, and sprinting to become the ideal picture of myself, I haven't stopped to be still.
Ed continued to build me up and give me that hope that I was originally looking for elsewhere. He's right too. . . I am on the verge of something big and it's just one small thing that's "keeping the huge cloud above me from bursting and the rain come pouring down on me" (rain is always represents good things in my life).
I do have an idea or two of what needs to change and in that moment of stopping my "doing" and being still, I feel like I have made more progress to what I am supposed to be, my ideal self, than I have in a long time.
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