There are a lot of important feelings you have as a teenager. A lot of firsts. Hopefully some lasts. Growth. I am 22 years old and I feel like I have run full-speed into a teenager brickwall.
Seriously, shouldn't I be over the whole "I don't fit in" aspect of it all?
At work I am the assistant manager. I kind of look at it as being an extension to the manager. Looking at things like she would and accomplishing what needs to get done. It's been hard to fulfill that. More often than not, I feel like I get dumped on from both sides. Helga and the employees talk about problems they have. . . in other words, they complain about each other. So I am trying to stand up for the employees and point out their positive attributes which leads Helga to think that I don't understand the problems that are going on and trying to explain to the employees the reasons behind what we do which they perceive as me taking Helga's side.
Gibby and I have talked a little bit more lately. Just texting, really. Again, I am totally amazed at how great this guy is, but I feel so young. I've had plenty of life experiences, but I don't feel like I have anything under my belt that could qualify me as a potential anything to him. Then there are other guys who I go out with and. . . well, they're immature with no direction in life. So I'm too young for what I want, but too "old" for what I can have.
As I mentioned before, I have a calling in the Young Women at church. I am the Beehive Advisor. A leader. However, I'm still being treated like one of the girls I'm supposed to lead by the other leaders who are already in Youn Women. So I'm too old for the girls to see me as someone who can relate to what they're going through, but too young for the other leaders to see me as an equal.
There is Justin, whom I care about dearly and I always want to be a part of my life, but I am having a hard time in two regards. First, trying to be the friend and take out the "something more" mentality of it all. Simple enough.
Secondly, that I don't mesh perfectly with his friends no matter how much I want to. The guys are hilarious and the girls are cute, but most of the time I'm just absorbing the conversation without adding to it so instead of becoming a part of the group I feel like more of a leech on their good times rather than part of the group.
With Ed and his friends, I've turned into "one of the guys" which is really cool. To be accepted into that role is something that I don't think I would ever earn, but how do I stand up for not wanting to hear the crass humor a girl shouldn't have to hear, but still maintain that blending in?
All these parts of my life (which is pretty darn near the whole of it) are conflicted. AH!
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