Where is there dignity unless there is honesty? -Cicero (106 BC-43 BC)

Two nights ago, Ed told me a little a story. Well, I knew the story because I was part of it, but this story was the side that I never heard before; a side that made a whole lot of other things make sense and a story that made me think about where I am now.

Back in the day, really back in the day, after a break up, Ed was my confidant (that much hasn't changed). He was the person I went to take walks with, to let my thoughts flow out loud to, and just bawl on his shoulder when it was too much. No girl could have been luckier to have that calliber of friend. Completely unbeknownst to me, was that he liked me at the time. However he was gentlemanly enough to let me get through all my crud without the tumult of trying to figure out my feelings for someone else. I never got through that crud because I ended up getting back together with the guy that I broke up with.

So why does this make such a big deal to me years after the fact? I'm trying to sort that out. . .

Part of me purely flattered. This guy is one of the best out there.

Part of me is grateful that he told me.

Part of me feels justified. Last year when I had those feelings for him and it just wasn't there, I hurt a lot. It is like I wasn't beating my head against a wall for nothing because one time. . . one time he looked at me like that.

Part of me feels regret. Those "if only I knew"'s tend to get you, I guess.

Part of me wonders what it would take for both us to be on that page at the same time and if that is even possible.

The rest of me is just plain bewildered. I don't know what to think.

* * *

Aside from those thoughts, the story sent me down a road of self-evaluation. With my birthday coming around soon it made me wonder if that me that was lovable and attractive to guys is just gone. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, or I've put on weight, or I don't have my degree, or because I'm jaded from all of my experiences. . . . I love myself because I accept myself the best I can, but is there something there for somebody else to?