Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. -Titus Maccius Plautus

What do you get when you mix a had-a-bad-day-at work, unattractive-feeling, de-spiritualized Carrie with a night on the town? Answer: a poor situation for Ed to walk into.

This guy is tough though. He not only made it through dinner, CD/DVD shopping, and a movie, he somehow managed to make my night a really good one. Yes, I couldn't make a decision to save my life. Yes, I gave him hell when he was checking out girls (which he could totally could have snagged from numbers from). Yes, I bit his head off when he brought up CPR, but I guess that's why he's the Jolly Green Giant. He took it all in stride. Shoot. If he wasn't Ed, I just might fall for him. Alas, he is Ed and I couldn't fit him anywhere in my heart but where he is.

Someday. . .maybe someone like him. . . . That is if I ever have the patience to make it to someday.

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.-Margaret Mead (1901-1978)

I like a guy, my family likes the guy, my friends like the guy. His family likes me, his friends like me. . . So what's missing? Oh yeah, the whole him liking me part. It is generally a sign I am not a high priority to him when I ask when we can have some us time and he says May. It sucks more than I can say. I took that once. . . never again.

On a positive note, I have fulfilled one of my goals for this year: I now know how to play pool (thanks Ed).

April 2006

broken dolls--
torn dresses--
laying on the floor
tears-- salt water
making paths down--
this cheek
this cheek you left-- your stain
this cheek scrubbed-- raw
trying to feel-- cleansed
trying to remove-- this hurt
--making it hurt
hoping if there is a wound-- visible
to someone outside--
someone to understand--
understand I am not-- okay
understand why-- you did this
someone to make me-- understand
why I am laying on this floor among
broken dolls--
torn dresses--
tears-- salt water
making paths down--
this cheek

Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.

-Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-1864)

Life happens in the quiet moments. A lot of things have been going on lately. New experiences and n ew emotions. Old experiences and old emotions.

The quiet moments. I ache for the quiet moments. The quiet moment to have conversation with God. The quiet moment to fall in love. The quiet moment to feel at peace with myself.

I haven't had any of those recently either from neglect, fear, or no real opportunity. How can I make something real?

Strange dreams are a safety valve... - Orson Scott Card (1951- )*

I cannot say what Card meant in the above statement, but I recognize its truth. Dreams often are my escape from the terrors of life and often the terrors of possibility that bring me from sleep. Most recently my dreams have returned to nightmares. They are memories that are with me forever, but are recalled in my sleep without invitation. I stopped telling my parents about the nightmares almost as soon as they started and only confided in Scott and a couple times in Ed. . . Scott and I don't talk anymore, and I feel like if I relapse to Ed I will disappoint him.

The anniversary of that day is only a week away and I pray that somehow these dreams are going to make that easier; that they are my safety valve. There must be something brighter than where they take me.

*Ender's Game. New York: Tom Doherty Associates, LLC, 1985

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -Steven Wright (1955- )

It was a long day at work and I am starting to wonder if there is ever anything but a long day at work. Just the same it was easier to get through since I knew I was hanging out with Justin tonight. We went to Melee's house and played poker with a bunch of people.

I don't know if it comes across in the posts, but I am a serious card shark. . . Rrright. Tonight was my first poker game where I was acutally betting. It was Texas Hold 'Em and my late night Spike TV watching came in handy. There was a lot of goofing off and a lot of crass humor since I was the only girl for the majority of the time, but it seems like I held my own. I came in second (if you can take places in poker). Yay! I cannot say that a good portion of things was due to the fact that people were getting tired and going "all in" on really lame cards, but I guess that's kind of part of the game. If it is or isn't, I won't complain.

Politics is applesauce. -Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Doug Wright seems like a good enough guy. He stands up for what he believes. He seems to be well-researched in his opinions. He has a popular following. So what do I have against him?

The fact that he did a live remote broadcast from my store Friday (yesterday).

Ugh. Just ugh. I cannot really fight corporate for arranging this lovely publicity stunt because the store was packed and the sales figures are all that they really care about. Someone so vocally political, someone so holier-than-thou, someone who tries so hard though. . . There is a reason I do not listen to talk radio and I do not a appreciate it being thrust upon me in a way that I cannot avoid it.